Silent Cries

It's been a long time since I lost wrote. I often think about doing it, but have a feeling no one is reading so why bother. Today I am at my wits end, overwhelmed and just want somewhere to let it out. We have been through a shit storm this year and things are in a bad spot financially because of it. If I don't come up with $1,000 by tomorrow afternoon we will lose our home and utilities. I have tried every idea in order to come up with the money but to no avail. Today I finally got a job interview scheduled for Monday. I was super excited, the idea of being able to work thrilled me to death. The idea of having more than one income so that we wouldn't always be struggling is something that I guess can only remain a dream. Instead of being met with encouragement over the job interview instead I was met with..Well if you get the job you won't have a way there and you have no sitter. So I guess instead of ever being able to get out of this endless cycle..I have to accept that I am stuck. I don't want to accept that. I am just so sad and overwhelmed and honestly terrified. If there is anyone out there reading, please message me if you have an idea of something I can do to earn legitimately from home. So if there is anyone that would be able to loan me some money to get things caught up for a few weeks until the overtime for my husband kicks it I would appreciate it more than you could know.

My dad's bladder cancer surgery/removing his bladder

These are my parents last summer. Right now my dad is facing bladder cancer. The cancer is very aggressive and the doctors say without the removal of his bladder he has a 5 % chance to live 6 months to 1 year. So, on with the surgery we will go. This means his bladder, prostate, semen vesicles and several other parts will be removed. They will use part of his colon and intestines to create a bladder on the outside of his body. This will give him a 75 % chance of living another 5 to 10 years. My dad just turned 71 years old and says that he will gladly take that 75% considering the alternative. However, the expenses are already causing great stress to my parents. My parents live on a fixed income and need help covering the expenses they have already incurred and the expenses that are yet to come. They also need all of the love, support, and prayers that you can all send. Please find it in your hearts to donate if you can, and if you cannot donate money...please donate your prayers and share the link for the GoFundMe page I have created. Thanks so much.

https://www.gofundme.com/jims-bladder-cancer-surgery

Fear of Failure..or Fear of Success

First off..wow it has been almost an entire year since I have made an entry. I have thought so many times about writing an entry, but then I do not follow through. I am not sure what prevents me from doing so. I will tell myself there is no one reading anyhow, or whatever I have to say isn't worth mentioning. There is always a reason that I tell myself not to write. Today, I am here. I am making an entry and if no one reads it or responds to it, oh well. I always have the idea that I will make an entry every day even if it is just something small and simple. Maybe in the coming year I will be better at making entries. I am going to try something with this blog entry. I am going to be very honest. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the big picture, about goals I have always wanted to reach. Today it hit me, that I think I am almost as afraid of success as I am of failure. I am not sure which prevents me from shooting for and obtaining the goals and dreams that I have always had. One of my biggest dreams in life is to be able to have some of my "stories" published. I haven't been working on any of my books recently and I have realized that I cannot determine if I am actually afraid of succeeding as an author, or if I fear that I will be rejected and my dream will be crushed. I do know that I love writing. I have always had characters and stories in my head. I fear that when I pass away those characters and their lives will die too. I want my characters and their stories to be able to live on. I am sure I am not making much sense. I see the beauty, the good, the potential in other people...but I do not see any of that in myself. This has let to be being anxious, jealous, bitter, paranoid and just simply upset. So..I am going to push myself to get one of my books completed and attempt to get it published. I want to share my stories, my character, their lives. I don't want to give up on my dream. I don't want to let fear of failure prevent me from trying and then always living with regret or wondering if I could have made it. I also don't want to fear succeeding, sometimes succeeding at something makes you fearful that you won't live up to what people expect of you. I am sure this post doesn't make sense but..I'm trying.

Feelings

I titled this post Feelings because it is going to be discussing several different emotions I am experiencing lately. I know it's been a while since I last posted. I always intend to come back more often and write, but I honestly don't know why I haven't. I guess it is because I don't feel like I have anything worth discussing. However, there is one big thing that has happened this past week that I wanted to come acknowledge. I finished the very last course in my Master's program on Monday Nov 9th, 2015. Now I am just waiting to take my comprehensive exam on the 17th. It will be a culmination of everything I have studied in my entire program. I don't expect it to be easy, it's an essay style test and will last for a week. I am just praying that I don't mess up, it is a pass or fail test and obviously I have to pass it to get my degree. I am so excited to be at this part of my Master's journey, but also I am very nervous and hoping that I can find a good job in the near future. The amount of student debt I have is outrageous and scares me to death to think about. So while I am excited to almost have my degree in hand, I am also worried that I won't find a job fast enough. I also do not want to work outside of the home because I want to stay with my son, so I am having all types of mixed emotions.

I have also been thinking a lot more about my writing lately. I have recently started working on a book I began writing years ago. I am now in the 10th chapter and I have days where I struggle with pushing towards my dream. My dream is to be an author, to have my characters and their stories escape my mind and live on inside my written work. I have my days where I know that one day it will happen and I will not give up. There are other days where I think that it is silly and that it won't happen and that I am ridiculous for even entertaining the thought of having my work published.

Also, I have been struggling lately with feeling very lonely. I have no friends to hang out with and this is starting to bring me down. Even my friends I used to talk to online very often seem as though they are distant lately. I understand everyone is busy with their own lives, but I still can't help but feel as though many of them just talk to me when they want something from me. It's a terrible feeling.

I am not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but if you do. Thanks.

So tired, So alone.

I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of feeling so alone. I wish I had someone to talk to. Everyone is so fake, I have no idea who to trust. I am simply just tired of it all.

Jewelry in Candles

Do you like jewelry? Do you like candles or wax tarts? Well, how about jewelry inside the candles? Jewelry in Candles is an awesome company that sells candles and tarts, they have a ton of scents to pick from. The best part is that each package of tarts and each candle has a surprise piece of jewelry inside! The customer gets to decide if they want a necklace, earrings or ring. With the rings you can choose the size. Soon the customer will be able to choose a bracelet as well. Once your package arrives and you begin to burn the candle or tart you will discover a small foil package. That package will have your piece of jewelry inside. You can even become a Jewelry in Candles representative today for FREE! This promotion ends today June 13, 2014 so if you'd like to become a rep hurry up! It's easy and FREE! Just check out my webpage https://www.jewelryincandles.com/store/candles_by_amanda

Fundraiser

After discussing with several friends the trouble I am going to have the next few months buying textbooks for my Master's program several suggested I do an online fundraiser. They said they knew all kinds of people who were doing them for all types of causes. So after looking at a few stories and different fundraising sites, I decided why not give it a try. I will still continue to look for work and by no means use this as my only method for buying my books. If anyone is interested the link is http://fnd.us/c/fiBL1/sh/62xv26   Feel free to share it with anyone you think might be interested. For those that donate, or even for those that look and pass the word along I am grateful. I hope you are all having a lovely Wednesday and I will post a new blog soon.