Silent Cries

It's been a long time since I lost wrote. I often think about doing it, but have a feeling no one is reading so why bother. Today I am at my wits end, overwhelmed and just want somewhere to let it out. We have been through a shit storm this year and things are in a bad spot financially because of it. If I don't come up with $1,000 by tomorrow afternoon we will lose our home and utilities. I have tried every idea in order to come up with the money but to no avail. Today I finally got a job interview scheduled for Monday. I was super excited, the idea of being able to work thrilled me to death. The idea of having more than one income so that we wouldn't always be struggling is something that I guess can only remain a dream. Instead of being met with encouragement over the job interview instead I was met with..Well if you get the job you won't have a way there and you have no sitter. So I guess instead of ever being able to get out of this endless cycle..I have to accept that I am stuck. I don't want to accept that. I am just so sad and overwhelmed and honestly terrified. If there is anyone out there reading, please message me if you have an idea of something I can do to earn legitimately from home. So if there is anyone that would be able to loan me some money to get things caught up for a few weeks until the overtime for my husband kicks it I would appreciate it more than you could know.

My dad's bladder cancer surgery/removing his bladder

These are my parents last summer. Right now my dad is facing bladder cancer. The cancer is very aggressive and the doctors say without the removal of his bladder he has a 5 % chance to live 6 months to 1 year. So, on with the surgery we will go. This means his bladder, prostate, semen vesicles and several other parts will be removed. They will use part of his colon and intestines to create a bladder on the outside of his body. This will give him a 75 % chance of living another 5 to 10 years. My dad just turned 71 years old and says that he will gladly take that 75% considering the alternative. However, the expenses are already causing great stress to my parents. My parents live on a fixed income and need help covering the expenses they have already incurred and the expenses that are yet to come. They also need all of the love, support, and prayers that you can all send. Please find it in your hearts to donate if you can, and if you cannot donate money...please donate your prayers and share the link for the GoFundMe page I have created. Thanks so much.

https://www.gofundme.com/jims-bladder-cancer-surgery

Fear of Failure..or Fear of Success

First off..wow it has been almost an entire year since I have made an entry. I have thought so many times about writing an entry, but then I do not follow through. I am not sure what prevents me from doing so. I will tell myself there is no one reading anyhow, or whatever I have to say isn't worth mentioning. There is always a reason that I tell myself not to write. Today, I am here. I am making an entry and if no one reads it or responds to it, oh well. I always have the idea that I will make an entry every day even if it is just something small and simple. Maybe in the coming year I will be better at making entries. I am going to try something with this blog entry. I am going to be very honest. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the big picture, about goals I have always wanted to reach. Today it hit me, that I think I am almost as afraid of success as I am of failure. I am not sure which prevents me from shooting for and obtaining the goals and dreams that I have always had. One of my biggest dreams in life is to be able to have some of my "stories" published. I haven't been working on any of my books recently and I have realized that I cannot determine if I am actually afraid of succeeding as an author, or if I fear that I will be rejected and my dream will be crushed. I do know that I love writing. I have always had characters and stories in my head. I fear that when I pass away those characters and their lives will die too. I want my characters and their stories to be able to live on. I am sure I am not making much sense. I see the beauty, the good, the potential in other people...but I do not see any of that in myself. This has let to be being anxious, jealous, bitter, paranoid and just simply upset. So..I am going to push myself to get one of my books completed and attempt to get it published. I want to share my stories, my character, their lives. I don't want to give up on my dream. I don't want to let fear of failure prevent me from trying and then always living with regret or wondering if I could have made it. I also don't want to fear succeeding, sometimes succeeding at something makes you fearful that you won't live up to what people expect of you. I am sure this post doesn't make sense but..I'm trying.

Feelings

I titled this post Feelings because it is going to be discussing several different emotions I am experiencing lately. I know it's been a while since I last posted. I always intend to come back more often and write, but I honestly don't know why I haven't. I guess it is because I don't feel like I have anything worth discussing. However, there is one big thing that has happened this past week that I wanted to come acknowledge. I finished the very last course in my Master's program on Monday Nov 9th, 2015. Now I am just waiting to take my comprehensive exam on the 17th. It will be a culmination of everything I have studied in my entire program. I don't expect it to be easy, it's an essay style test and will last for a week. I am just praying that I don't mess up, it is a pass or fail test and obviously I have to pass it to get my degree. I am so excited to be at this part of my Master's journey, but also I am very nervous and hoping that I can find a good job in the near future. The amount of student debt I have is outrageous and scares me to death to think about. So while I am excited to almost have my degree in hand, I am also worried that I won't find a job fast enough. I also do not want to work outside of the home because I want to stay with my son, so I am having all types of mixed emotions.

I have also been thinking a lot more about my writing lately. I have recently started working on a book I began writing years ago. I am now in the 10th chapter and I have days where I struggle with pushing towards my dream. My dream is to be an author, to have my characters and their stories escape my mind and live on inside my written work. I have my days where I know that one day it will happen and I will not give up. There are other days where I think that it is silly and that it won't happen and that I am ridiculous for even entertaining the thought of having my work published.

Also, I have been struggling lately with feeling very lonely. I have no friends to hang out with and this is starting to bring me down. Even my friends I used to talk to online very often seem as though they are distant lately. I understand everyone is busy with their own lives, but I still can't help but feel as though many of them just talk to me when they want something from me. It's a terrible feeling.

I am not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but if you do. Thanks.

So tired, So alone.

I am so tired of this life. I am so tired of feeling so alone. I wish I had someone to talk to. Everyone is so fake, I have no idea who to trust. I am simply just tired of it all.

Jewelry in Candles

Do you like jewelry? Do you like candles or wax tarts? Well, how about jewelry inside the candles? Jewelry in Candles is an awesome company that sells candles and tarts, they have a ton of scents to pick from. The best part is that each package of tarts and each candle has a surprise piece of jewelry inside! The customer gets to decide if they want a necklace, earrings or ring. With the rings you can choose the size. Soon the customer will be able to choose a bracelet as well. Once your package arrives and you begin to burn the candle or tart you will discover a small foil package. That package will have your piece of jewelry inside. You can even become a Jewelry in Candles representative today for FREE! This promotion ends today June 13, 2014 so if you'd like to become a rep hurry up! It's easy and FREE! Just check out my webpage https://www.jewelryincandles.com/store/candles_by_amanda

Fundraiser

After discussing with several friends the trouble I am going to have the next few months buying textbooks for my Master's program several suggested I do an online fundraiser. They said they knew all kinds of people who were doing them for all types of causes. So after looking at a few stories and different fundraising sites, I decided why not give it a try. I will still continue to look for work and by no means use this as my only method for buying my books. If anyone is interested the link is http://fnd.us/c/fiBL1/sh/62xv26   Feel free to share it with anyone you think might be interested. For those that donate, or even for those that look and pass the word along I am grateful. I hope you are all having a lovely Wednesday and I will post a new blog soon.

Time Marches On

I cannot believe it is already March, it seems like the year is just flying by! Archer is 19 months old now, and it is so amazing watching him grow and learn. Sometimes I do get teary-eyed at the thought of my little boy, not being so little anymore. He has come so far though, and I am very proud of him. His most recent milestone occurred on Saturday March 1, 2014 when he had his very first hair cut. He was not pleased with the process, but his stylist did a great job and he looks adorable.

After graduating with my bachelor's degree back in November I finally received my official transcripts in the mail yesterday. I cannot wait for my diploma to arrive in the mail, although I am told that could be another two months at least. I find that ridiculous, but I will wait patiently to be able to hang it on my wall!

I applied for my Master's program and I will begin on March 25th. I am very excited but also terribly nervous. I hope that deciding to continue my education will not be a regrettable decision. The amount of debt for student loans is scary and that is what makes me doubt my decision. I would feel better if I had some type of income of my own. Matt works very hard to provide for us, but I would like to be able to help us financially as well. If anyone knows of anything hiring in my area, or something I could do online please message me.

Commercialized Holidays

So I have been hearing and seeing people the last few days talking about how much they either love or hate Valentine's Day. Those who have someone special in their lives and have plans to at least share some time with that special someone usually enjoy Valentine's Day and are not often heard speaking ill of it. Those who do not have a partner, or are not going to see their partner or obtain material gifts are often the ones who speak ill of the holiday. I personally think that Valentine's Day was created as a way for companies to make money off of the consumer. With that said I do have a husband that I love, and while many years we have not given gifts that does not mean we do not love one another. Each day in the little things we show that love. Love is not something that happens once a year, and it is not something that should only be shown once a year. No matter what your situation is, find love in those around you and do not be afraid to let them know you love them. All too often we keep our feelings to ourselves only to regret unspoken words when those we love are gone, and we never told them how we felt, or did not tell them often enough.

While I no have fancy Valentine's Day plans, I have something even better. I have two valentines who love me each day of the year, my husband and my son <3 p="">

It's me again!

Wow, I cannot believe how long it has been since my last update. I often think about what I want to post, but then I never make it on here to post. I finally have a laptop again after mine gave out a few months ago. I thought a few times about posting from my Nook Tablet, but I am awful at typing on those touch screen keyboards. So now that I finally have a laptop again, I am hoping I can find the time to update more often. Archer has made so much progress since I last posted. I am hoping by updating my blog more often, I can also help keep a record of his milestones so that he can look back and read about them someday. He turned 18 months old on Jan 29th and went for his 18 month check up on Feb 4th. He weighed in at 20lbs 8.8oz! He is also 30.25 inches tall. He is still very small for his age, but he is finally on the growth charts and we are very proud of that. He still has some trouble with congenital muscle disorder, but he is able to crawl, walk and run now! He literally goes from the time he wakes up, until he falls asleep. Most days he does not even have a nap. His vocabulary is excellent, I can think of at least 40 words off the top of my head that he can say. He is still not wanting to feed himself and hates to get anything on his hands, but we are working on that. He eats like a champion though and has not refused anything we have given him. I hope he does not become a picky eater later in life.

In the past I often posted about school, well I am proud to say November 11, 2013 brought the completion of my bachelor's degree! I am so proud of myself for sticking with it and finishing. I never thought I would go to college, much less graduate with a 3.99 GPA and the highest honors given by my school. It would be nice if those in my life acknowledged by accomplishment, but at least I am proud of myself and Matt and Archer are proud of me. Several online friends have congratulated me and that means the world to me, because I know they care.

I am not sure what else to update with. Is there anyone out there hoping that I will update?

Vow

I am making a vow to myself to update this blog more often. I have always planned to blog daily but seems like I never keep up. I plan to change that. Sometimes it updates will be short, but they will be there. Well, since my last update Archer is up to 13lbs 8.6oz and 25 inches long. He is still small, but he is making progress. He is so sweet and funny and bright. At about 6.5 months old he moved into size 1 diapers and is still wearing those. He now wears 0-3month clothes. For a few months he has been able to say Mama/Momma but since learning how to say Dada (around the start of April 2013), he only says Mama when he is upset. Although he has called out for me a few times. He loves saying Dada and sometimes says it in his sleep. The funniest is when he shouts it at his toys and literally screams into his stuffed animals faces then bites them. He has yet to have any teeth pop through and is still working on sitting up unassisted. Every day though you can see the progress. He is also wanted to crawl badly and gets soooo angry that he cannot manipulate his body to go in the direction he wants. His big smile and even bigger laugh can make the worst day better. I sure love him.

Today is my 28th birthday and boy I do not want to be 28! I feel like there is so much I want to do that I never will. I have made so many mistakes that will bite me in the ass forever. Well I am going to wrap this up.

Archer's Progress

On November 23, 2012 Archer rolled from tummy to back. He is still working on how to get from back to tummy. He gets so angry when trying to do that and he makes the cutest angry sounds. He smiles and laughs all of the time, and when I laugh at him laughing he laughs even harder. He truly is a blessing and I thank my lucky stars every day for him. He weighed in at 9lbs 6oz on November 29, 2012. He is also 23 inches long. We are hoping to see even more progress at his next appointment. He received shots on the 29th and seemed to tolerate them well. As any parent knows its is heart breaking to watch your baby get shots, but it is with their best interest at heart. Archer is still wearing newborn diapers and clothes. He has finally outgrown three newborn outfits and I am struggling to know what to do with them. I find myself wanting to save cute things or things we consider favorites, but I do not know how practical it really is to hang on to them. I am so in awe of watching him grow up and I am happy about it, but then again it is sad realizing they wont be this little for long. Sometimes I find myself wanting to jump ahead and see his future, but in the same instant wanting to keep him little forever.

Growing Up

My last post was Archer's birth story. I cannot believe that almost 4 months has gone by. My little boy is now 8lbs 12oz and has started rolling onto his side. He is giving his best at rolling over, but just hasn't gotten the hang of it yet. Today he made amazing progress while having tummy time. He held his head up higher and longer than ever & pushed up onto all fours. I tell you what, I literally squeal in delight at seeing him make progress with growth and development. I really wanted to blog every day and capture everything in his life as it happened, but I have found myself overly busy these past few months. I hope I can be better at blogging in the future. We are coming up on Thanksgiving and I am looking forward to it. Last year at this time Archer was being conceived. I still cannot believe how much life has changed in a year. Matt has been working at his job nearly four months now and back in October we moved into a new to us house. I am still dealing with some female issues from Archer's birth even after having a D&C because of retained placenta. I look forward to one day being back to my normal self. I just try to take each day as it comes and enjoy the small moments. As I said earlier I about burst with pride and excited when my son hits a milestone, but it also makes me tear up, because as each day passes my baby is growing up on me. It's a bittersweet thing. I hope I still have some readers out there and I hope you all have a blessed holiday season.

Birth Story

On the evening of Friday July 27, 2012 Matt & I stayed up late watching movies and eating pizza. We slept in on the morning of Saturday July 28, 2012 and I did not wake until nearly 11:30am. When I woke up and stood from the bed I felt a small gush, I was like hmm I wonder what that was and hurried to the bathroom. I noticed that my underwear was soaked & I realized it had to have been my water breaking. I called out to Matt that I thought my water had just broken. Things went into a blur after that moment. I called the hospital & spoke to a triage nurse at labor and delivery, she said to definitely come in. We quickly got dressed, grabbed our bags and headed out the door. We arrived to the hospital and waited for what seemed like forever for them to get me admitted into the triage to get checked out. It was about 12:15pm by that time.I left a lovely urine sample and was taken to a little room in the triage unit to be checked to see if I was dilating & if my cervix was opening or not. I was very nervous at this time and so was Matt. When I was checked I was 80% effaced and dilated to a 2. I was surprised as I had only had an appointment that Monday and was making no progress & had just had the special ultrasound to check Archer's growth 2 days before.

I stayed in the small room at the triage for a short time before I was taken to a room in labor & delivery. Suite 7 to be exact. They gave me the option to start pitocin or to walk the halls for an hour to get things moving, I chose to walk the halls. I was dehydrated so I had an IV attached then went walking the halls. Matt's mom showed up and went walking with us. I actually ended up walking two different times for an hour each, eventually the doctor decided that I was no progressing fast enough on my own, so they had to start pitocin. I should mention now, that my regular doctor was away on vacation which was disappointing, but I had already prepared myself for the fact that she probably wouldn't do the delivery, since doctors are so busy.

After the pitocin I did start to progress more quickly, but man it felt like forever. I was not allowed to eat or drink during labor or delivery, I was starving, my stomach was growling like crazy even when I was pushing. I had not eaten since 11pm Friday night, and did not end up getting to eat until late Sunday evening.I am sure I had mentioned on the board that I did NOT want an epidural or to be catheterized. I managed to wait about 13 hours before giving in to the pain, Matt and his mom had been begging me to take the epidural as they were worried I would wear myself out from fighting the pain before it was time to push. I started to worry about wearing out too, so I took the epidural. All I can say about it was at least it helped with the pain, now I wish something would help with the pain in my back from it lol. After about 13.5 hours of labor it was time to begin pushing. When I heard this I became terrified but I was excited and glad that it meant an end was in sight. Besides I was tired of being on display lol. My mom left the room then as she does not do well in medical situations where blood might occur. Matt and I decided to let his overly excited mom stay in the room for the delivery.

A super nice nurse named Maggie coached me through the pushing while Matt and his mom were up by my shoulders talking to me & trying to give me support, mentally and physically as the pushing required me to get into a position that I couldn't get into myself since I couldn't feel or move my lower half (that was an odd feeling). This went on for about 30 minutes until the nurse decided it was time to call the Dr. in. Soon the room filled with 3 nurses and the doctor. The doctor was a nice lady named Dr. Johnson. She sat on the foot of the bed and did a bunch of tmi stuff that doctors do. They kept coaching me to push as Matt was watching intently to see Archer coming out, I felt like the pushing was never going to end but suddenly I saw something shoot across the foot of the bed then I saw arms & legs flailing and heard crying. It took me a minute to realize that he was actually here, I was ready to keep pushing, because I had become used to the routine.

They handed Archer to me as I had asked them to do. I couldn't stop looking at him, but soon he was whisked away to get cleaned up and weighed while the Dr. fixed me up. We had to stay in the hospital 5 days because of a fever I was running, that they still don't know the cause of. But we are super glad to be home.

Archer Hayes Stafford was born July 29, 2012 at 3:44am. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and was 18 inches long.

Please feel free to ask any questions, I am sure I have left something out.

Time

Time seems to be flying by. I am now 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant with our very active baby boy. He is growing at a normal rate and has a strong heart beat. We couldn't be more blessed in that regard. We cannot wait to meet him, but I must admit the idea of giving birth terrifies me. I would love to hear some advice or words of comfort from those who have been through the birthing and child raising process.

I had to give up school back in April due to the fact that my funding ran out. I am only 6 classes (17 credits) away from completing my degree and desperately hope to do so one day. I wish I could get a loan to do so, but that doesn't look like it will be possible any time soon. I find myself wanting to update the blog often, but never really knowing what to say. Please feel free to leave me some feedback if there is anyone out there reading.

6 Months Worth of Updates

It sure has been a while since I last updated. We moved from our house in Buffalo on October 14. We miss some things about the place, but there are some things we don't miss at all. We do hope that one day we will be in our own house again, but with much different circumstances than what we dealt with when living in Buffalo. I do not want to get into all of the details, but that was a very exciting and also scary and trying time in our lives.

For the happy news, we are having a baby boy! We got two positive home pregnancy tests on December 13, 2011 and went to the doctor for confirmation on December 14, 2011. We are excited and of course nervous, as most first time parents are. It felt like forever waiting to have the anatomy ultrasound where they would check all of the organs and also see if they could tell the gender. On March 26, 2012 we found out that we are expecting a baby boy. We are thrilled and cannot wait to meet him. He is due on August 14, 2012. We have chosen the name Archer Hayes and cannot wait to see him and watch him grow. We love his profile ultrasound picture so much that it is framed and hanging on our living room wall.

It's getting late right now and I best get ready for bed. If anyone is out there actually reading this feel free to ask me some questions. I will try to update this on a more regular basis.

So excited! Mail surprise that made me smile!

For so long the mail has brought me bad or boring news, but today something I'd been waiting for arrived. Back on August 31st I wrote about being invited and inducted into the Alpha Sigma Lambda Honor Society chapter at my school. Well, today my certificate arrived in the mail, I may or may not have jumped up and down and squealed when my husband brought the package in from the mailbox. I went out and bought a nice wood frame for it and my husband hung it on the wall for me. I know this might sound like bragging, and hell maybe it is. I just have so few happy things to talk about, I am super excited over this. It is like finally having tangible proof of my hard work. So, here is my certificate in all of its glory.

Why say goodbye...

when you aren't happy to be leaving.

Intimidation

When something or someone is intimidating, it or they can make you feel incredibly small. A week ago today I finished a course that had me intimidated the entire time. The professor was like none I had ever had, she was very strict in her grading and was not afraid to sound her opinion or point out anything that anyone missed or had gotten wrong or gotten confused about. At first I thought it was because she was just a hard ass, but I realized that she was pushing us, she was making us use critical thinking skills. This is something I can respect. I was terrified that I was going to flounder in the class though since she was such a hard grader and I have issues with technical things like knowing where to use commas, semi colons etc. I found out early Sunday morning that I ended the class with a 97.25%. That thrilled me, but something else thrilled me more and  I am still ecstatic to say that I earned a perfect score of 25 out of 25 on my final paper. She gave me some amazing feedback and many compliments; like my paper was the best one she had read in quite a while. Throughout the course I had been intimidated, feeling as if I were an inch tall and cowering in the corner like a scared child. I let the intimidation I felt bring me down and cause me a lot of stress. I am so proud to say that I survived that course and now I feel as though I can push my way through other tough situations. Do not let intimidation beat you down, rise above it!

Just a ticker..or two