Blankly Shattered

I'm having the worst time with a paper that is due Monday. I have to write an argumentative essay. For some reason I just can't get this done. I have picked the topic of Capital Punishment. Every time I start researching, my mind starts wandering and I just can't focus. I'm getting really frustrated with myself, and I just want to scream. I have to get this paper done, but at this rate...I never will.

Well I wrote the above this afternoon and its 2:51 am now..and I am so blank. This paper is so not going to get done on time. I really wanted to do so well on it that I am so stuck. I am terrified of messing it up because I've never done a paper like this. I guess my fear of messing up is totally blocking me from getting anything done. I'm so damn frustrated with myself. I have been trying to research this all day, and I'm like so fucking screwed.

Also I had some family say some really nasty junk to me today. I am so damn tired of being the low life, failure. I am so tired of people thinking that I am not trying hard enough. I feel like there's so much weight on my shoulders that I'm going to buckle and break at anytime. It hurts so badly. Sometimes I think people just get a kick out of watching me struggle. They like to laugh at my pain.

Reminds me of the boyfriend I used to have..that said things like, "It's funny to watch you cry." or..."I love to watch you cry." or..sweet words like.."you know I only make you cry because I love you."

Fucking hell, why do people get their pleasure from my pain? Is it really so much fun?

Tears

Sometimes I just feel like crying. I guess we all do. Sometimes I just feel like yelling.."Do you know these tears are because of you?" But would it really matter? No, mostly like not. I know I will drown in my tears, constantly left swimming in my thoughts. Does it really matter? I just can't explain. Sometimes my tears just keep falling, steadily as rain.

So tonight when I look at you, will you even see? I'll flail and cry out for your help, but you'll just look away. Deep into my private ocean I'll sink...struggling to breath. The tears will over come me, and I will succumb to pain. My memories are haunting as my tears fall down like rain.


Yeah..okay that made no sense at all, it just kind of came out. But I feel better.

Why Bother?

A lot of the time I am finding myself wondering why I even bother. It's like nothing I ever say, think or feel is good enough for anybody. I am always second guessing myself. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be someone that my family and friends can be proud of. I don't really even feel like I know myself anymore. Anyhow....

I got my grades back from last week. I scored 4 out of 4, 4 out of 4 and 4 out of 4. I think its just beginners luck. Last week was my first week in this new class. I really want to take a lot from this class, and a good grade too lol.

Well, I'm supposed to get a phone call today. I really hope it's good news. I'll share on here later if it is. I doubt I'll mention it again in detail if the call doesn't go well.

Last few days

It's been a few days since I updated. Seems like the last week flew by. Friday I went and stayed the night at my parents..I stayed Friday night too. My parents live about 45 minutes away. I helped them with the pizza route they do on the weekends. I also helped my dad cut, load and unload wood. Nothing really exciting. I made a bit of $ so that's always good. My parents seemed happy to have me there for the weekend. They don't get much company so lol I guess it was exciting for them. I was glad to get back home though. So not much going on here. Just looking for a job as usual. I need to get cracking on some school work. I just feel a bit 'blah' today. So how is everyone? I never know what to write about. Anyone have any questions for me?

Obsessive Cleaning

So I think I really do have a disorder. I am much more worried about germs, and dirt, and things being in order than I ever have been. It seems as though I have to do things in a set pattern now as well. I feel as if something awful will happen if I break the pattern. So today I took down all of the Christmas decorations that were still up. Yeah I know right lol..it was time to say goodbye to them. I put away two loads of laundry, washed more, put it into the dryer. Did dishes..by hand..since we don't have a dish washer. Vacuumed the floors, and swept with a broom. I also vacuumed all of the furniture. I cooked..then did more dishes lol. I cleaned the sinks and the toilet and the bathtub. Everything looks nice and clean. As I was putting the cleaning supplies away company showed up..unannounced. I was less than thrilled with that, especially since I had just got done cleaning and knew I'd have to real clean once they left. I was also a bit put out, because I still had school work I needed to finish. So once this company left I had to re-vacuum because I just felt like I needed too, and I had to clean the toilet again. Yeah see what I mean by I think I have a disorder.

Well anyhow..after my nice cleaning spree I sat down and read a chapter in my textbook..then completed my last assignment for the week. I pray that I can pass this class. I really don't want to lose my 4.0 GPA, but I guess if I have to lose it to pass..so be it.

Wow my life sounds amazingly exciting huh?

We still haven't heard anything from our mortgage company, which could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Hopefully my money will come in soon, and I'll be able to fix this whole mess.

Nightmares

I had a picture I was going to put with this, but it seemed too disturbing the more I looked at it. So last night I had the worst nightmare I've had in a long while. I had just slept a few hours when I woke up totally freaked out. I hope to go to bed soon, and I pray that the dreams will be peaceful ones. Yesterday (since it is 3am) we took Matt's dad to his doctors appointment for a checkup. His doctor said his blood pressure is at stroke level. I hope he listens to his doctor and does what he needs to do to bring his blood pressure down. Then we stopped by Matt's moms to visit with her and his litter brother, that was an experience as usual. I'm just glad to be home, for as long as I can call this house my home, and I pray that it's a long time.

Well..today I have to work on some school assignments that I'm not looking forward too. I'm just so scared that I won't pass this class, and I know that I won't be able to keep my 4.0. But then again I'm surprised I had it in the first place lol.

Okay I'm just rambling and not really talking about everything that's on my mind. Sometimes it's just so hard to talk about it all..even though I'm dying to.

Just stress

Stress is pretty much my middle name. It's basically all that I've known, at least over the last few years. I've always had vivid dreams but lately they've been more like nightmares. I don't think I can remember when the last time I had a good nights rest was. The dreams are so vivid and some are just so strange. I can't really talk about them here. I'm not ready to share all of their details. I already sound like a crazy person more often than not. Well since its 1:33am school starts back from winter break today. I have some reading to do and some assignments. I sure hope that this class goes well. I am praying that I get a decent grade in it. I have completed two classes so far and got A's in both. But this one just seems like it's going to be way over my head. I guess that's the point though, the classes are supposed to get harder, supposed to challenge me. Not really sure what to talk about, I'm just rambling. We have to take Matt's dad to his doctor's appointment today since he doesn't drive anymore. I guess today I'll be at the Dr. then visiting at his house a while, then stopping by the store to pick up a few things that I need and then back home to try to get some school work done.

I hope that I have some kind of good news to write about soon.