~Our Precious Cosmo Passed Away~

 

I am sorry that I haven't been on recently to update. There have been times when I have wanted to, but I knew I would need to make this announcement when I did update, and honestly I just couldn't face it. I don't really feel like I am ready yet, but I know that I cannot put it off any longer. On June 21, 2010 our fur baby/cat son Cosmo passed away at the age of 14. We knew that the day would come when he would have to leave us, but we never wanted to admit it, or accept it, much less think about it. On Sunday June 20, 2010 my parents came for a visit. It was Father's Day and Cosmo was happy to see his grandparents, he loved them to bits and they adored him. We all noticed he did not seem his normal self but it was very hot and we just assumed that's why he seemed a bit more sluggish than normal. He perked up after a bit and our worries began to ease. He did use the bathroom and also threw up, but after that he was eating and drinking normally, just just wanted to be left alone to rest. We checked on him gave him fresh cool water and petted and talked to him, but tried to let him rest. We planned to call the vet as soon as they opened the next morning. It look hours for Matt and I to fall asleep that night, we were up and down checking on Cosmo. He was just laying down and looked very comfortable like he was sleeping off a stomache which he had done in the past. We prayed that everything would be okay and by the next morning he would be more perky. Finally we fell asleep. I woke first and it was still early in the morning. I had this odd feeling, I cannot even describe it...but it was just like something felt empty inside me. As I went to go check on Cosmo...I just felt like his presence was missing in the house..and I knew right in that moment, but I didn't want to believe it...I knew he was gone.

I saw him laying in the floor and he appeared the be sleeping, I stood for a few moments not wanting to disturb him. I could have sworn that I saw his chest rise and fall, but I realized that was not the case. As I got to him, I could tell he had passed. I tried to stay calm, and I got down and started talking to him, but I saw his body was limp and his eyes were empty. I petted him and talked to him and tried to take in what was happening, it was my worst fear. I told him I loved him, then I washed my hands and face and took a few moments trying to collect myself, because I knew I would have to go wake Matt and tell him. Matt got Cosmo as a kitten so he had been his daddy for 14 years, I had known Cosmo for almost 10 years. Matt seriously loved Cosmo more than anything in the world, and would have died for him. Matt isn't a person that opens up easily to anyone or shows much emotion or affection towards anyone or anything, but he and Cosmo were best buds. I knew telling him was going to be hard. I went quietly into our bedroom and Matt sat up in bed and saw me in the doorway..he immediately knew something was wrong and said, "What? What is it?" I can remember squeaking out..."He's passed away.."

We called my dad to come get Cosmo and we arranged a burial for him. We buried him with his favorite blanket, pillow, stuffed cat animal and his toy mice. We have a stone picked out for his grave and hope to purchase it in the next few months. The days that followed were full of crying, aching, emptiness and this numbness....we could hardly eat or sleep. Things are a bit better now, but we still miss him like crazy. We can talk about him and look at pictures and videos and I am happy for that. That little guy brought so much joy to us. I am not sure if there is an afterlife, but if there is I cannot wait to see him there. We both feeling guilty and wonder if we missed something, if we could have done more, we are still coping with the fact that he was 14 years old and sometimes that's just too old for a cats tiny body. I haven't really said this to anyone, but I feel so guilty. The reason I am holding this guilt is because the night before he passed, he just seemed like he was trying to hold on.. I am not sure if that makes sense. I checked on him before I got into bed and told him that if he was just hanging on for us and if he felt he needed to go..that it was okay to go..that we wanted him to be happy and at peace...and that me and daddy (we refer to ourselves as his mom and dad) would help each other to be okay and that we loved him. We always told him good night before going to bed and that we loved him. I always blew him kisses..I find myself still talking to him as if he is still here lol. I also told God when I prayed that night..that if it was Cosmo's time to comfort him and take him quickly so that he wouldn't suffer. So now I feel like...by me telling Cosmo and God that it was okay if he needed to go..well I feel like I brought it on. I remember bawling like a baby when Matt said to me, "I'm not a dad anymore". Watching how it affected him broke my heart, it still does. I am so glad that we have each other though, we need each other.

Cosmo loved laying under the Christmas tree.especially with presents stacked around lol...it was like having a fort. He was full of so much personality..and we will miss him everyday until we meet again, but we thank God for the years we were able to have with him.