Why bother?

I feel like writing out a whole long post, pouring my feelings out here because I cannot let them out anywhere else without people thinking I'm selfish, spoiled, bratty etc. Then again I think to myself...why bother writing them out anywhere? Does anyone really care? Would letting everything out change anything? The answer is no, it would not change anything. I am so tired of keeping things in, so tired of walking on eggshells so that I don't upset everyone else. I am so tired of not knowing who I am anymore. Just plain tired of everything. I used to pray that I would wake to another beautiful day on Earth. Now when I wake..I think..."oh, another day..to get through." I don't want to just "get through" each day. I want to be able to enjoy life. I have tried to be strong, I have tried to be positive, I am simply tired of trying. My give a damn is busted. I guess I am letting my emotions and thoughts out here..and anyone reading this will just assume I am being a whiny brat, so I will go. I probably won't be back again until I am truly happy, or until I can at least fake some sense of happiness.

Please Everyone Read This and Follow The Link

 Please follow this link and read what has been going on in my life. I am so embarrassed to be creating a site like this, asking for help, but I am so scared and desperate. Please pass it on and ask your friends and family to help me out. I want to thank you all. Once I found out more information I will keep you updated.
 http://helpsuskeepourhome.blogspot.com/

YouTube Channel....

So how many of you out there have your own YouTube channel? I have one which only has two videos up, they are videos of me singing. I admit that they are not very good and that I should have practice the songs before slapping them up on YouTube. Oh well lol. I do plan to practice some songs and record them for my YouTube. I would love to have the link to your YouTube channels. Also I would love some suggestions for videos that I can create for my channel. I cannot wait to hear from you all. Here is the link for my YouTube.


http://www.youtube.com/user/Patiencefrost

....New........

So a few weeks ago I broke down and bought a new laptop. I have major issues with buying new items, especially when they cost a great deal of money. My previous laptop was almost four years old and was having major problems, we knew that any day it was going to quit on me. So after a lot of hesitation about letting go on money and after researching laptops online for weeks we purchased an Asus G73JH, just like the one pictured to the left of this post. Just click the link to check it out. I highly recommend this computer to anyone. It is an awesome machine. I can personally say I did not pay $1,549.99 for mine, but that is still an amazing price for this computer. Mine has a 6GBs of Ram and a 500GB hard drive. It is soooooo much faster at everything. The storage capacity is massive, which is great because I have movies, ebooks, etexts and loads of documents and pictures on it. This computer is perfect for everything I want to do from school work, chatting with my friends, watching movies and gaming. I have played World of Warcraft and Sims3 at ma settings, and it runs and look amazing. My old laptop go to where it could not even play facebook games, so this is a huge step forward. I love the built in camera and microphone as well. I am so excited over this new laptop that I had to share it with the rest of you. So lol end of my excited laptop rant.

 I am now on a break from school and I am thrilled about the idea of no papers or homework for a few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely lucky to be in school, but everyone needs a break. I know several of you are college students as well, when do your summer breaks end? Are you looking forward to getting back to the classroom? I am also wondering how many of you use electronic textbooks? I really love being able to few my books on my computer, and the search feature is a life saver when I am trying to find a certain topic quickly. Where do you all generally buy your textbooks? I buy mine through my school as rarely as I can, they are so expensive from the school bookstore. I try to find mine through vendors online or from the publisher direct. Chegg.com and Amazon.com have been awesome places too.

So yesterday July 8, 2010 was my nieces Millie and Maddie's 9th birthday. I am sure many of you know all about them, since I often talk about them. They are great girls and I wish them the best in life. They were going to go out to dinner with their daddy and his girlfriend tonight after spending a few days at his house (my brother). Then they are going to have a party at their momma's. I have some pictures of them I should share soon. I really miss them now that they are living a few hours away, and I don't get to see them as often as I used to.

My best friend Anna had her baby girl Samantha Ashley on July 6th. She is a beautiful little thing. I would like to share some pictures of her, but I would like to ask Anna for her permission first. I am so happy that Sam is healthy and man she is beyond adorable. Anna is a momma of three now. If you all could say some prayers for her recovery as she had to have a Csection with Samantha. She is rather sore now and has staples in her belly that she is nervous to have removed.


I guess I will wrap this up for now. I hope to be posting more often now and that I will hear from some of you.

~Our Precious Cosmo Passed Away~

 

I am sorry that I haven't been on recently to update. There have been times when I have wanted to, but I knew I would need to make this announcement when I did update, and honestly I just couldn't face it. I don't really feel like I am ready yet, but I know that I cannot put it off any longer. On June 21, 2010 our fur baby/cat son Cosmo passed away at the age of 14. We knew that the day would come when he would have to leave us, but we never wanted to admit it, or accept it, much less think about it. On Sunday June 20, 2010 my parents came for a visit. It was Father's Day and Cosmo was happy to see his grandparents, he loved them to bits and they adored him. We all noticed he did not seem his normal self but it was very hot and we just assumed that's why he seemed a bit more sluggish than normal. He perked up after a bit and our worries began to ease. He did use the bathroom and also threw up, but after that he was eating and drinking normally, just just wanted to be left alone to rest. We checked on him gave him fresh cool water and petted and talked to him, but tried to let him rest. We planned to call the vet as soon as they opened the next morning. It look hours for Matt and I to fall asleep that night, we were up and down checking on Cosmo. He was just laying down and looked very comfortable like he was sleeping off a stomache which he had done in the past. We prayed that everything would be okay and by the next morning he would be more perky. Finally we fell asleep. I woke first and it was still early in the morning. I had this odd feeling, I cannot even describe it...but it was just like something felt empty inside me. As I went to go check on Cosmo...I just felt like his presence was missing in the house..and I knew right in that moment, but I didn't want to believe it...I knew he was gone.

I saw him laying in the floor and he appeared the be sleeping, I stood for a few moments not wanting to disturb him. I could have sworn that I saw his chest rise and fall, but I realized that was not the case. As I got to him, I could tell he had passed. I tried to stay calm, and I got down and started talking to him, but I saw his body was limp and his eyes were empty. I petted him and talked to him and tried to take in what was happening, it was my worst fear. I told him I loved him, then I washed my hands and face and took a few moments trying to collect myself, because I knew I would have to go wake Matt and tell him. Matt got Cosmo as a kitten so he had been his daddy for 14 years, I had known Cosmo for almost 10 years. Matt seriously loved Cosmo more than anything in the world, and would have died for him. Matt isn't a person that opens up easily to anyone or shows much emotion or affection towards anyone or anything, but he and Cosmo were best buds. I knew telling him was going to be hard. I went quietly into our bedroom and Matt sat up in bed and saw me in the doorway..he immediately knew something was wrong and said, "What? What is it?" I can remember squeaking out..."He's passed away.."

We called my dad to come get Cosmo and we arranged a burial for him. We buried him with his favorite blanket, pillow, stuffed cat animal and his toy mice. We have a stone picked out for his grave and hope to purchase it in the next few months. The days that followed were full of crying, aching, emptiness and this numbness....we could hardly eat or sleep. Things are a bit better now, but we still miss him like crazy. We can talk about him and look at pictures and videos and I am happy for that. That little guy brought so much joy to us. I am not sure if there is an afterlife, but if there is I cannot wait to see him there. We both feeling guilty and wonder if we missed something, if we could have done more, we are still coping with the fact that he was 14 years old and sometimes that's just too old for a cats tiny body. I haven't really said this to anyone, but I feel so guilty. The reason I am holding this guilt is because the night before he passed, he just seemed like he was trying to hold on.. I am not sure if that makes sense. I checked on him before I got into bed and told him that if he was just hanging on for us and if he felt he needed to go..that it was okay to go..that we wanted him to be happy and at peace...and that me and daddy (we refer to ourselves as his mom and dad) would help each other to be okay and that we loved him. We always told him good night before going to bed and that we loved him. I always blew him kisses..I find myself still talking to him as if he is still here lol. I also told God when I prayed that night..that if it was Cosmo's time to comfort him and take him quickly so that he wouldn't suffer. So now I feel like...by me telling Cosmo and God that it was okay if he needed to go..well I feel like I brought it on. I remember bawling like a baby when Matt said to me, "I'm not a dad anymore". Watching how it affected him broke my heart, it still does. I am so glad that we have each other though, we need each other.

Cosmo loved laying under the Christmas tree.especially with presents stacked around lol...it was like having a fort. He was full of so much personality..and we will miss him everyday until we meet again, but we thank God for the years we were able to have with him.

An update from me!

So yesterday I finished my final paper which completed the course POL 303-The American Constitution. I was really nervous when the class started, I knew very little about the American Constitution which is really sad since I am an American. I realized there is a lot about my own country I do not know. I really learned a lot and really enjoyed it. I have always been interested in criminal cases and have always loved reading books about the subject, and honestly I felt like I was in heaven reading my textbook, because it had real life cases in it. I thought this class was going to be unbelievably difficult, but my teacher gave me amazing feedback about every assignment. I am also thrilled to say my classmates gave me excellent encouragement when they responded to my discussion board posts. I have earned every point in the course that has been possible so far. I have three more grades I am waiting to hear back on, the big one is on my final paper which counts as 25 out of the possible 100 points. So I am really hoping I did well on the final paper.

I have been trying to learn to deal with the fact that eventually I am going to get a grade lower than an A and that those grades are still good, but for some reason I feel like I have to get an A to prove something about myself. I guess it stems from constantly feeling like a failure, and apparently book work is one thing in this world that I am good at. I have been toying with the idea of checking into a leave of absence from school for a short bit. I have been attending since October 2008 and during that time I have only had about a 2 week break. I have started feeling kind of burnt out as when one course ends a new one starts the next day. Like my POL 303 course ended yesterday (Monday) and my new course SOC 101-Intro to Sociology begins today. So there is just no breathing room. Therefore I feel like a small break might be good, before I start doing my work halfheartedly and earning grades that I will not be pleased with. What do you all think? Do you think taking a break is a good idea or should I just keep pushing on. When I say a small break I mean a month or a few weeks, nothing too extensive. I have until October 2012 before I graduate and there are only 1 week breaks scheduled at Christmas time. I really would love some opinions and advice about this.

If I do decide to take my break I am going to throw myself into my writing. I have been missing it terribly recently. I find myself thinking about it when I am doing school work, and feeling guilty that my characters are literally stuck in my mind, not able to be free. One of my goals in life is to have at least one book published, and I need to give this a really good shot, because I will always regret it if I don't. I also want to start reading more often. I have been so busy with school work and daily life lately that I haven't gotten the chance to pleasure read in weeks and it's been that long since I have gotten to write for pleasure. Once I finish school work my body is tired of reading and typing and I just like to sit and veg out. So I am thinking a small break from school might be good all around. Then I can go back at it with a vengeance. I have also been toying with the idea of doubling up on a few courses to see how that goes, and maybe only do it the one time, but it would allow me to graduate that much sooner.

I am sorry for those that actually read my blog that I haven't updated lately, but I honestly feel like I talk about the exact same things each time so I feel like there is not much point in blogging. if those are you are actually reading this, please reply so that I know someone out there actually wants me to continue updating. Thanks so much everyone!

Happy 6th Birthday Tatem Dawn Joelle J.!

Today I am wishing my niece Tatem a very happy 6th birthday! April 21, 2004 I had my heart stolen by that chubby, beautiful baby girl. I cannot believe how quickly she has grown into such a pretty, smart, amazingly funny little person. I remember standing outside the hospital room door when she was born, hearing her first cries as she entered the world, then waiting anxiously to go into the room to see her. Everyone was crying tears of joy, and it was an amazingly beautiful moment. When I held her I felt an instant connection to her and couldn't wait to hold her again when I handed her off to the next family member. That evening when I seen her again my dad was holding her and I was standing by him..and Tatem reached out and wrapped her hand around my finger and we just looked at each other. I swear to God that in that moment I felt like the bond was created and I couldn't imagine life without her. I cannot believe she is 6 years old today, seems like only yesterday when she was born, when she learned to talk and walk...I remember when she learned to say my name and would squeal in delight when I'd walk into the room. I pray when I have children they are half as amazing as she is. Love you Taterbug! ♥