I have to get this worked out..and fast...

I cant sleep, but I'm so tired. When I sleep I have nightmares. I have to get this money. Things are closing in fast..the walls are starting to crumble. I am in panic mode. I just want to go to sleep and..not wake up. Not so much that I really want to die, I just don't want to wake up. Being awake just means that it's not all a bad dream. Anyone feeling extra rich and willing to give me a loan?

Funny how things can have a double meaning..

I have been noticing that things can have meaning in this life and in a past. It's just so odd, but makes so much sense. I guess that won't make sense to most of you, but for those that understand it..<3

I don't really have much of an update. Things are much the same. Trying to get the money to get this straightened out before I have to go to court. I don't see that this is going to happen. So I am just trying to keep my nerves calm. I am hungry and need a snack..but I am too lazy to get up and make anything.

I really should try to get some sleep. It's 3:52AM, but I just can't sleep. The dream I had last night was enough to keep me from wanting to sleep. I have to do some reading in my text for school and get an assignment done that's due tomorrow. I would get started now, but my eyes are tired. So, I will just have to get some sleep and get to work.

How is everyone? I feel like I have been out of the loop.

A bit of good news for a change....

I got my grades for the two assignments I was waiting on. I scored 3.5 out of 4 and 3.6 out of 4. My overall grade for the class was 94.45% out of 100% which means I got an A!

I have completed 4 classes now and have gotten A's in them all. I have 12 credits now. My 5th class just started Tuesday and it seems like it's going to be hard, but I hope I can keep my grades up. It is Computer Literacy and the prof. likes things very detailed. It's not really about the basics of computers, its actually about the hardware and such. It's a pretty technical class, but I am up for it. I plan to spend some time tomorrow jumping in and reading some assigned chapters. I want to do well on the test next week. Also I had an assignment due Monday that I want to do well on as well.

My final paper for the class has to be 8 pages, excluding the tile and reference page. I also have to have a power point presentation with it. I am already in freak mode about doing well on this. I have chosen to do mine on Robotics. I hope to learn a lot and be able to present what I learn in an orderly fashion. If any of you know any cool websites or books that might help me out with this I'd appreciate it.

My enrollment adviser called me just this evening to congratulate me. I was so surprised. She says my grades are fantastic. She said that I am way up there and that my attendance is perfect. She said that my academic practices are the best of all of the students she handles. She said she has no other students whose grades are where mine are and assured me that I was doing exceptionally well. She's a very sweet lady and I do enjoy talking with her. I am really not used to someone being so excited over my work. I am so happy! She also asked if I had thought about going for my BA when I am done with my Associates. I told her I had thought a little of it, and was interested in Criminal Justice. She says if I decide to go that route she can get me enrolled in a program where some of my credits for my BA could roll over towards a Master's Degree as well. What do you all think? I really don't know about all of this type of stuff. I need some advice. She said I should be on the next Dean's list!!

Let Down...

by those you think you can trust. It seems as though the people we have trusted and helped the most are the ones that keep screwing us over. So, we have decided that we are going to to our best to cut those people out of our life. It's sad when you have to cut close family members out of your life, but I guess that's how it's going to be. I wish I could talk more in depth about this because it's really been bothering me. Although these people have hurt us and keep on doing it, I can't bring myself to say who they are in fear that they might read this one day and be hurt by it. I guess I shouldn't give a damn if I hurt their feelings, because they obviously don't give a rats ass about anyone but themselves. So recently I have done work for two people that talked to me about the payment arrangements before doing the work, as with most work I was supposed to do the job then get paid. Guess what...I did the work and have yet to get paid. The one just hasn't talked to me since, I guess it's because she doesn't want to pay me. The other actually had the guts to tell me she spent the money and can't pay me. Well, see if I ever do anything for either of you bitches.

I am so damn tired of being screwed over. Matt and I have been too good to jump and run to help people, and have put ourselves on the back burner. Now we are the ones paying the ultimate price.

Moving on, I am waiting to hear back on grades for two assignments from my class that ended Monday. I can't wait to get those grades so that I know what my final grade is for the class. I scored 23.4 out of 25 on my final paper for that class, so I was pretty pleased.

My new class started Tuesday. So far I like it, but I think I'm in for it. This class is more technical than what I am used to. I am really nervous about what my grades will be like in this class, and I pray that I pass. I am still holding on to my 4.0 GPA and I pray that I can throughout this class.

I am still going through a really, really hard time financially. Things are really terrible, and I need some money soon to straighten them out. If any of you know of any work that would be available in my area or the surrounding areas or that I could do online please let me know. I am at my wits end.

I am hoping to get some time after I get all of this financial stuff straightened out to really get back into my writing. I haven't really been able to sit and write for a long time now. I have several stories that I would like to get finished in the hopes of having them published one day.

Well, I guess I don't really have anything else to say.

<3 Amanda

I just wish...

that tonight when I close my eyes...they stay closed. Only to open to a happier place. I can't take this anymore.

Broken...................

I do feel broken. In so many ways. I can't even explain it. It's 1:15am and I have a paper due today. The only thing I have accomplished on it is the title page. I am second guessing whether I understand the instructions for it or not. This prof. has left me second guessing everything. I have asked and asked for clarification. I guess I will just write and see what happens. I can totally see my 4.0 slipping away. I guess it's true though, nothing can last forever. All I can do is my best, and when that isn't good enough I can just be angry with myself, learn from it and move on. So many things on my mind lately that I can't even concentrate. The services for R. are tomorrow evening, so I need to get this paper done asap since I wont have tomorrow evening to work on it. I am still in such shock over his passing. I have been praying for his family and everyone that knew and loved him. I have been praying for Tatem, because she is still so young, and she loved her Papa so much. I am just so lost, broken and confused. I guess I better go and try again and again to get this paper done. I pray that I get a good grade on it, but sadly this time I don't think that's going to be the case.

There's so much more I want to say, but I have to hold it back. I hate this feeling, ..feeling like I can't truly talk about everything. Oh well...such as life. My brothers, dad and Matt all seem to live by the motto ...just get over it. So whatever happens today..I guess I'll just GET over it.

Explode

I basically feel like my head is going to explode. I have so much on my mind right now, and pretty much none of it is good. I have to take a test for school tomorrow and I have a paper due Monday. I haven't even been able to concentrate long enough to study for the test or to even work on the paper. Although I have tried and tried my mind keeps going to all of the other things. Thursday my ex sister in laws dad passed away suddenly. I just can't believe he is gone. He was a wonderful man, and he is going to be deeply missed. I plan to attend his services on Monday evening. He was Tatem's grandpa and I am so grateful for all of the memories I have of him that I can share with her when she is older. Even though Tatem is young, I don't think she'll ever forget her grandpa. If you all could please pray for his family and his friends. Friday I received a letter in the mail alerting me of more bad financial news to come anyday now. I basically need $1,000 to make this situation go away, but there is no way I can raise that money in the time I have alloted to me. Please pray for me and the situation. I have no family that has that much money to loan right now.

I applied for two jobs today, so maybe I will hear from one of them. I really need work right now. I am desperate to keep my home, and to get my debt straightened out before it gets even worse.
I am really scared and confused right now about a lot of things, and I fear it will only get worse.

Well, enough of my rambling. No one even reads this but at least I have a place to vent.

Root Beer Dreams

Yeah I am back into my bad sleeping habits. Here I am at 3:26 AM and I am not really tired yet. I didn't go to bed until 7Am yesterday. The dreams are coming back. The good and the bad. I can't stand it when this starts happening again. I am currently drinking root beer and hoping I can sleep after a nice warm shower. I am watching Little House On The Prairie and taking a break from my paper. I have been working on it all evening. I have my title page and 5 pages of body done. So now I just need 3 pages of body and my reference page. The reference page wont be hard to do once I am done with the body of the paper. I haven't noticed many updates on the blogs that I follow. I hope that you are all doing well. There isn't really anything going on new in my life. Since I haven't been falling asleep until day light I have been hearing the neighbors yappy little dog bark while I am trying to sleep. This dog is so adorable, but it's so very annoying. I feel terribly sorry for it. They tie it up to the door of their shed and no not leave it any food or water. The poor thing stands out there and barks all day. I can't believe it hasn't gone hoarse from all of the barking. It's a very small dog, smaller than most cats. I hate seeing it out there. Saturday it was out in the snow for several hours before they decided to take it indoors. This has really been bothering me, and I have no idea what to do about it. I hate causing trouble with neighbors so I am afraid to approach them. They don't exactly seem like the type of people I would want to get mixed up with. I wish they would just move away.

Well, I don't have much to say. I guess I am going to finish watching my show, and then take a nice warm shower and try to sleep before the sun rises, and for more than an hour straight.

Thanks to all of you that read this blog. I appreciate it.

Not fast enough....

Do you ever find yourself frustrated because things don't happen as quickly as you want them to? I find this to be a huge problem for me. I expect things to happen too quickly and then I am easily disappointed when they don't. This is something I am working on. Not too much is happening around here. Much the usual. Looking for work, trying to get by, wishing I had the money to get caught up on my mortgage. My family and friends are what keeps me going. Although many times my family is the cause of my stress, and the reason why I doubt myself, I love them endlessly.

Tonight I have been working on a rough draft for a paper that is due Monday. I am hoping that I understand the instructions and that I do well. The final draft of this paper is worth 25% of my final grade. I am frantic in the idea that this paper could really mess with my 4.0 GPA. I have just been doing this best I can, and that's all I can do. So if this is the paper that screws me over lol I guess that will just be the way it is. So far I have the title page, and 2 pages of body done. I will have to get 6 more pages of body and the reference page done.

Last night I had two really weird dreams that have been with me all throughout the day. I don't really feel like sharing them in detail on here since my blog is public. But I must say they were definitely interesting.

I have made a new blog about my addiction to wrestling. I hope you all check it out and feel free to become followers on it.

I am not sure what else to talk about. I feel like my posts are much the same each time. I am sorry for that, but lol my life is just mundane.