Fear of Failure..or Fear of Success

First off..wow it has been almost an entire year since I have made an entry. I have thought so many times about writing an entry, but then I do not follow through. I am not sure what prevents me from doing so. I will tell myself there is no one reading anyhow, or whatever I have to say isn't worth mentioning. There is always a reason that I tell myself not to write. Today, I am here. I am making an entry and if no one reads it or responds to it, oh well. I always have the idea that I will make an entry every day even if it is just something small and simple. Maybe in the coming year I will be better at making entries. I am going to try something with this blog entry. I am going to be very honest. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the big picture, about goals I have always wanted to reach. Today it hit me, that I think I am almost as afraid of success as I am of failure. I am not sure which prevents me from shooting for and obtaining the goals and dreams that I have always had. One of my biggest dreams in life is to be able to have some of my "stories" published. I haven't been working on any of my books recently and I have realized that I cannot determine if I am actually afraid of succeeding as an author, or if I fear that I will be rejected and my dream will be crushed. I do know that I love writing. I have always had characters and stories in my head. I fear that when I pass away those characters and their lives will die too. I want my characters and their stories to be able to live on. I am sure I am not making much sense. I see the beauty, the good, the potential in other people...but I do not see any of that in myself. This has let to be being anxious, jealous, bitter, paranoid and just simply upset. So..I am going to push myself to get one of my books completed and attempt to get it published. I want to share my stories, my character, their lives. I don't want to give up on my dream. I don't want to let fear of failure prevent me from trying and then always living with regret or wondering if I could have made it. I also don't want to fear succeeding, sometimes succeeding at something makes you fearful that you won't live up to what people expect of you. I am sure this post doesn't make sense but..I'm trying.