Celebrating Life & Death

So today is Matt's birthday although the day is almost over. He turned 25 . We had some yummy birthday cake and enjoyed being together. It was a bitter sweet day. This morning at 7:05 am I got a call that a great aunt passed away. She's been failing in health for as long as I can remember. She has been having trouble with her memory for many years now. She confuses people, with others or just flat out doesn't remember a thing. A few weeks back she fell and broke her hip, and was having internal bleeding. Then recently she decided she didn't want to be in the hospital anymore and yanked the tubes out of her, and got out of the bed. She fell and broke her other hip, and was having more internal bleeding. I am just glad she isn't in pain anymore. I feel selfish for wishing she was still her, she was such a spunky lady. She would have moments of clarity and it was wonderful to see her like that. But..as I have told family members today..the people she knew and remember 20 years ago before her memory failed have been dead for many years now. She has went to join them, she is with the ones she loves, the ones she knows and she is happy. I am sure of it.

I guess we have to celebrate death, along with life. Several times today I have felt guilty about celebrating Matt's birthday....while mourning for the loss of Auntie. I cried this morning and told Matt I felt guilty for living, for being able to see the sunshine today, and to enjoy my family and to be doing something as simple as eating birthday cake. He reminded me that we all have a time, and when it's time we have to go. I guess the ones of us left here on Earth, have to live for ourselves, and for the ones who have gone on before us.

I hope I am making some sense. The visitation will be Monday night, and the funeral Tuesday. If I am scarce the next few days you'll know why. On top of this I have a HUGE paper due, it's my final for this class and I can't afford to fail it. I was trying to work on it earlier..but nothing would come out when I sat down to type.

I keep having a dream that I am pregnant with a little boy, how wonderful would that be? I have always felt like my first child would be a son. Although Matt and I would be happy with either sex. We used to be so sure that we'd name our first son Zen/Xen, but now....it looks like he'd totally be Walker. I guess it's just a beautiful dream, but I hope that one day it'll became a reality.

The Last Few Days

This is a picture of my a bit of my backyard. Monday it started sleeting/icing and then snowing. Tuesday it did a bit more, so here is the yard Monday night. Wednesday we were finally able to leave the house to go to Springfield. There are many things we can't purchase here in Buffalo. So we had a lot of errands to do Wednesday while in Springfield. First we met up with my parents for a few minutes to pay them back $100 that we owed them. Then we headed to the bookstore. I have been going to this bookstore since I was a kid. When I walk in I just feel at ease. I love the feeling of being surrounded by books. I think that's why I want to own a bookstore one day. So I ended up buying several books for pleasure reading, and bought one book that I can use for school. It's a Business book. The Business book alone normally sells for $25 and I got all of the books for only $28! I was thrilled. Then we headed to the Olive Garden to eat. We used gift cards we got for Christmas. The meal was soooo sooooo sooooo good. The waiter didn't offer us wine although he was offering it to all of the other customers. I cracked up when it was realized that he didn't do so because he didn't think I was of age.

We then went to the mall where we found awesome deals on clothing, which we really really needed. We hadn't had new clothes in about 2 years. I found jeans for $13 and for $8.99 at JCPenney. Also I found a shirt at old navy for $4.99! We also bought a birthday present for a friends daughter and it was on sale too! Then we went to Walmart to do our grocery shopping. It's crazy how expensive just buying food is nowadays. We also bought another heater which is awesome. The house isn't freezing now!After Walmart we stopped by my parents house for a short visit and then headed home. It was really nice to have a day out, and it was amazing to get things we needed and to get them while they were on sale :)

This week I also made contact with my nephew that was given up for adoption as a baby over 17 years ago. I know I have talked about him to many of you. It's just so freaking amazing to have contact with him. He also loves music and singing, and I am floored that we have it in common.

I also spent about 2 hours on the phone to my niece Rachel last night. It was nice to have an adult conversation with her, I'd really missed having her to talk to. I also seen new pictures of my great niece Sarina. She's a doll for sure.

I've also gotten back grades on some work that I was really stressed over, and thought I'd totally bomb. I aced the work. I couldn't freaking believe it.

This week has been really good :) I hope things just get better. For everyone.

Tomorrow is Matt's 25th birthday and the 8 year anniversary of our first date :) I can't believe we became boyfriend and girlfriend 8 years ago! We've been married 3 years and 7 months now :)

Tired and Frustrated

So I have been up about 21 hours now, slept 2 hours last night. Then I stocked the pizzas and visited my parents, then came home did laundry, vacuumed, cleaned toilet, tub and sinks, then made diner, did dishes etc. I'm wiped but as usual my mind is just racing. I've been searching for articles to use as references for my research paper with no damn luck at all. My prof. said that my idea for Inventory Management or Inventory Control would work. So I went to the school database that I have to use, and I haven't found once single thing. This is not GOOD! I have research proposal to write about said paper, and a preliminary reference page and they're due Monday. I can't write them without having some damn references. I can use sources other than the school database as long as they are credible, but I have to have 5 articles from the school database and ..as I had I have nothing. I am becoming really frustrated with this class, and the lack of assistance the teacher is giving.

A small bit of good news

Finally my financial aid from school was mailed on the 22nd which was technically yesterday though I'm inclined to say today since I haven't slept yet. I am really glad the money is on it's way and I hope it comes soon because I need to buy my next round of texts books. I hope I can find them on ebay because paying full price is just nuts. My prof. got back to me today and said that my idea for writing about Inventory Management or Inventory Control would work just fine. I really hope to do well on this research paper. I'm so damn nervous. I knew college was always over my head, and most days I find myself wondering why in the hell I thought I could do this. Saturday I'll be stocking frozen pizzas for my parents, they do a route on the weekends and I'm going to do it Saturday so that they don't have to and so that I can make some much needed money. The pay crappy for the amount of work and drive time involved but oh well. So it's basically going to 11 different stores and going into their freezers to get the stock out, and then stocking it. Very exciting stuff. I wear pretty purple mittens because the freezers are damn cold to work in.

The 31st is Matt's birthday which is next Saturday. He's turning 25. I really want to get him something, but I have no idea what. He's the hardest person to shop for. The 31st is also the anniversary of our first date, which was the night we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah lol we still celebrate that. I can't believe that was 8 years ago!

Okay ladies hit me with some ideas for a gift for Matt
He likes computers & computer games if that helps.

Complicated

It seems like everything has to be so damn complicated. I just want to sit here and enjoy my life, to smile and know that I am NOT really hiding worry and fear behind that smile. I wish I had some damn cake..or some brownies. That would make happy...at least for a little while. This whole situation with not being able to find work is really starting to get to me. I hate talking about it because it seems like I'm whining, but damn it frustrates me to no end. I just don't know what lies ahead, and I hate hate hate hate hate it when things are unsure. Things with school are stressing me out, because I need to narrow down the topic of Operations Management for a research paper, and I have no idea what to narrow it down too. I am just waiting to hear back from the teacher. I hope she gets back to soon, because the preliminary reference page and the research proposal are due Monday, and I very well can't write them without knowing what the topic is I am writing about.

Okay I guess I am rambling. Bye.

4am

I wish that I had more desserts and less stress. I know if I had as many desserts as I do stress I'd be so fat that I'll had to roll instead of walk. I am sitting here at 4am and I have a notepad of stuff for my paper that's due today. Said paper still isn't finished and when I re-read the notes..it's just trash. I'm no closer to being done with this than when I freaking started. I just wanna scream...and pull my hair out. I wish I had some dessert...at least I could cry while I ate some chocolate. That'd make me feel much better. I wanted to have this done before I fell asleep because I have enough trouble sleeping without this praying on my mind. Oy.... maybe one day I'll get some actual sleep. The kind that doesn't wake me every 5 mins with a nightmare. I can't even remember what good dreams were like.

Blankly Shattered

I'm having the worst time with a paper that is due Monday. I have to write an argumentative essay. For some reason I just can't get this done. I have picked the topic of Capital Punishment. Every time I start researching, my mind starts wandering and I just can't focus. I'm getting really frustrated with myself, and I just want to scream. I have to get this paper done, but at this rate...I never will.

Well I wrote the above this afternoon and its 2:51 am now..and I am so blank. This paper is so not going to get done on time. I really wanted to do so well on it that I am so stuck. I am terrified of messing it up because I've never done a paper like this. I guess my fear of messing up is totally blocking me from getting anything done. I'm so damn frustrated with myself. I have been trying to research this all day, and I'm like so fucking screwed.

Also I had some family say some really nasty junk to me today. I am so damn tired of being the low life, failure. I am so tired of people thinking that I am not trying hard enough. I feel like there's so much weight on my shoulders that I'm going to buckle and break at anytime. It hurts so badly. Sometimes I think people just get a kick out of watching me struggle. They like to laugh at my pain.

Reminds me of the boyfriend I used to have..that said things like, "It's funny to watch you cry." or..."I love to watch you cry." or..sweet words like.."you know I only make you cry because I love you."

Fucking hell, why do people get their pleasure from my pain? Is it really so much fun?

Tears

Sometimes I just feel like crying. I guess we all do. Sometimes I just feel like yelling.."Do you know these tears are because of you?" But would it really matter? No, mostly like not. I know I will drown in my tears, constantly left swimming in my thoughts. Does it really matter? I just can't explain. Sometimes my tears just keep falling, steadily as rain.

So tonight when I look at you, will you even see? I'll flail and cry out for your help, but you'll just look away. Deep into my private ocean I'll sink...struggling to breath. The tears will over come me, and I will succumb to pain. My memories are haunting as my tears fall down like rain.


Yeah..okay that made no sense at all, it just kind of came out. But I feel better.

Why Bother?

A lot of the time I am finding myself wondering why I even bother. It's like nothing I ever say, think or feel is good enough for anybody. I am always second guessing myself. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be someone that my family and friends can be proud of. I don't really even feel like I know myself anymore. Anyhow....

I got my grades back from last week. I scored 4 out of 4, 4 out of 4 and 4 out of 4. I think its just beginners luck. Last week was my first week in this new class. I really want to take a lot from this class, and a good grade too lol.

Well, I'm supposed to get a phone call today. I really hope it's good news. I'll share on here later if it is. I doubt I'll mention it again in detail if the call doesn't go well.

Last few days

It's been a few days since I updated. Seems like the last week flew by. Friday I went and stayed the night at my parents..I stayed Friday night too. My parents live about 45 minutes away. I helped them with the pizza route they do on the weekends. I also helped my dad cut, load and unload wood. Nothing really exciting. I made a bit of $ so that's always good. My parents seemed happy to have me there for the weekend. They don't get much company so lol I guess it was exciting for them. I was glad to get back home though. So not much going on here. Just looking for a job as usual. I need to get cracking on some school work. I just feel a bit 'blah' today. So how is everyone? I never know what to write about. Anyone have any questions for me?

Obsessive Cleaning

So I think I really do have a disorder. I am much more worried about germs, and dirt, and things being in order than I ever have been. It seems as though I have to do things in a set pattern now as well. I feel as if something awful will happen if I break the pattern. So today I took down all of the Christmas decorations that were still up. Yeah I know right lol..it was time to say goodbye to them. I put away two loads of laundry, washed more, put it into the dryer. Did dishes..by hand..since we don't have a dish washer. Vacuumed the floors, and swept with a broom. I also vacuumed all of the furniture. I cooked..then did more dishes lol. I cleaned the sinks and the toilet and the bathtub. Everything looks nice and clean. As I was putting the cleaning supplies away company showed up..unannounced. I was less than thrilled with that, especially since I had just got done cleaning and knew I'd have to real clean once they left. I was also a bit put out, because I still had school work I needed to finish. So once this company left I had to re-vacuum because I just felt like I needed too, and I had to clean the toilet again. Yeah see what I mean by I think I have a disorder.

Well anyhow..after my nice cleaning spree I sat down and read a chapter in my textbook..then completed my last assignment for the week. I pray that I can pass this class. I really don't want to lose my 4.0 GPA, but I guess if I have to lose it to pass..so be it.

Wow my life sounds amazingly exciting huh?

We still haven't heard anything from our mortgage company, which could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Hopefully my money will come in soon, and I'll be able to fix this whole mess.

Nightmares

I had a picture I was going to put with this, but it seemed too disturbing the more I looked at it. So last night I had the worst nightmare I've had in a long while. I had just slept a few hours when I woke up totally freaked out. I hope to go to bed soon, and I pray that the dreams will be peaceful ones. Yesterday (since it is 3am) we took Matt's dad to his doctors appointment for a checkup. His doctor said his blood pressure is at stroke level. I hope he listens to his doctor and does what he needs to do to bring his blood pressure down. Then we stopped by Matt's moms to visit with her and his litter brother, that was an experience as usual. I'm just glad to be home, for as long as I can call this house my home, and I pray that it's a long time.

Well..today I have to work on some school assignments that I'm not looking forward too. I'm just so scared that I won't pass this class, and I know that I won't be able to keep my 4.0. But then again I'm surprised I had it in the first place lol.

Okay I'm just rambling and not really talking about everything that's on my mind. Sometimes it's just so hard to talk about it all..even though I'm dying to.

Just stress

Stress is pretty much my middle name. It's basically all that I've known, at least over the last few years. I've always had vivid dreams but lately they've been more like nightmares. I don't think I can remember when the last time I had a good nights rest was. The dreams are so vivid and some are just so strange. I can't really talk about them here. I'm not ready to share all of their details. I already sound like a crazy person more often than not. Well since its 1:33am school starts back from winter break today. I have some reading to do and some assignments. I sure hope that this class goes well. I am praying that I get a decent grade in it. I have completed two classes so far and got A's in both. But this one just seems like it's going to be way over my head. I guess that's the point though, the classes are supposed to get harder, supposed to challenge me. Not really sure what to talk about, I'm just rambling. We have to take Matt's dad to his doctor's appointment today since he doesn't drive anymore. I guess today I'll be at the Dr. then visiting at his house a while, then stopping by the store to pick up a few things that I need and then back home to try to get some school work done.

I hope that I have some kind of good news to write about soon.