Strumming my nerves

I am so damn nervous about court tomorrow. I know that I can not change what will happen, it's just hard to realize that I have no control over the situation. I am just praying that things go well and we can move on, and not have to deal with all of this uncertain legal junk. I wish I could write a longer blog, but I don't know what'd I would say.

Sooooo June 18th.....

was our 4 year wedding anniversary! We didn't do anything too exciting. We just ran errands that day and picked up Subway, watched a movie at home and made root beer floats and just chilled out. It seems like we have went through so many things in the last four years, but it's still so hard to believe four years has passed. We've been together 8.5 years and I can not imagine how things would be without Matt and Cosmo. We are poor, we are always struggling and it sucks, but we are together and we are healthy and that's what matters. It's nice to know that no matter how scary things get, or how terrible things might seem I have Matt and Cosmo to stick with me and comfort me. They're both pretty good at that.

I don't really know what else to say. I have a lot of things on my mind right now. Things seem to be going well with school. I have one more week in my World Civilizations 2 class. I made the Dean's List the other day, but I already posted about that. I am still looking for anybody that is interested in getting an insurance quote, and I am still looking for another job, if anyone knows of anything please let me know about any jobs that Matt or I could do. We really could use the money. On our anniversary Thursday we mailed off our first bankruptcy payment. Sucks turning lose of $619 for one bill, but it's definitely worth it to have all of our creditors off of our tails. Now, just 54 more payments of $619 and we'll be done. We have to take another financial class before our July 22nd court date, and I pray that the court date goes well. All of the creditors will have a chance to be there, and the trustee can either approve our case or deny it. If they deny it I have no idea what in the world will happen, but I hope that everything gets approved through the trustee and the judge. It's important that the trustee recommends us to the judge, so I really hope we have some more income before then, so that they can be certain that we can keep up to date with the payments.

I haven't been doing too much reading and writing for pleasure since this class had kept me busy doing both. I am hoping to finish the book I am reading, and to work more on one of my stories. It definitely deserves to be told.

June is a hard month for me, but I have been trying not to think about that. It's just I have lost so many people over the years in the month. my grandma Opal, my grandpa Herston, my Uncle Jimmy, my grandpa Arthur, my great aunt Maud, my dear friend S and several others. My Uncle Jimmy and my friend S passed within hours of each other. My Uncle was sick and we knew that he most likely would never get better, but S's death was a total shock. My dad, Matt and I had planned a fishing trip June 2007, and my dad called early that morning. I assumed to make sure we were awake and getting ready to meet him. His tone was very odd and he said, "hun you know S?" and I said, "yeah of course I know him, you know that." then he fumbled for words and said, "something has happened to him." I said, "oh, what happened? Is he okay?" and my dad kinda choked up and said, "He's dead." I know that I couldn't talk for several minutes. I was so shocked. I started to tear up and I could hear my dad choking up on his words and I said, "oh my God, how did it happen?" He was telling me that S had taken his own life. I was so shocked. I asked about S's family and was just struggling to register in my mind that he was gone. Then I heard my parents house phone ring, as my dad was talking to me from his cell. He told me to hang on and answered the phone. He said it was my moms sister, My Aunt Nancy. So I heard him give the phone to my mom. He came back to the phone to talk to me, and after a few mintues he said, "hunny, I have more bad news." I said, "oh dad, don't tell me it's Uncle Jimmy." He said, "hunny, he's passed away." I felt that I had been shot in the gut by a cannon. I had just lost my Uncle Jimmy as I was finding out the news about my friend S. It turns out that their funerals were at the same funeral home, in the same room just hours apart on June 13, 2007. That was how we spent the day..at the funeral home for Uncle Jimmy's funeral and visitation the evening before, then again that evening for S's services. That was my dads birthday, and I think he's had a hard time being happy on his birthday's since. My dad had such a hard time watching S's dad deal with the mourning process, because they had been long time friends and still are. My dad felt guilty and did not know how to help his friend, he didn't know how to ease the pain, watching his friend mourn over the loss of his child, his only son. My dad has three boys, and me and his friend had just lost his child. It just didn't seem fair.

Ugh, I can't talk about that anymore, but it has been on my mind, so maybe it was best to type it out. June 13th was my dad's 63rd birthday. He had a good day, he and my mom spent the day with my brother Brad's family, and then my dad got to go to a car show and ran into old friends, he just loves that type of stuff. He is coming to my house this weekend to have a BBQ for father's day. He's been in really good spirits lately and that makes me so happy. I remember each time the doctor said my dad had bladder cancer. I remember the fear in my dads eyes, as he tried to be brave and joke his way out of being scared. I was the one who convinced him to go to the doctor each time he noticed a problem. I was there with him each time the doctor said it was cancer. I was with him at the hospital before each operation and there waiting during, and with him in his room right after. I was also the one that helped him dump his catheter bag and showed him how it actually had a plug at the bottom lol that we discovered right before it was to be removed. I am just so thankful that my dad is here, and healthy and was able to celebrate another birthday. He means a lot to me, he's always in my corner and always there to help me out however he can. We always have so much fun together and we have the same weird humor and get each others weird jokes. We also have a coded way of talking, that makes people wonder if we aren't just a bit odd. I can always talk to my dad about anything, and I think we've talked about every subject under the sun. He loves all of us kids and would do anything for us, no matter how much we screw up or make him angry lol. He's more than just a dad. He is one of my best friends. I am just so damn glad he is my dad, I can't imagine life without him. I pray that he lives for a very long time and stays healthy.

June 14th was my oldest niece Rachel's 21st birthday. I can not believe she is 21, is a mommy and is married. It just seems like yesterday I was three years old and holding her on my lap feeding her a bottle and my mom was taking pictures. It seems like so recently we were having slumber parties, playing barbies, watching Disney movies and telling each other scary stories and talking on the phone for hours until we'd get in trouble lol. I can still remember going to the fair together and checking out boys lol, and giggling about crushes.

Life is just so full of twists and turns. I hope that whatever lies ahead is good and that the sun will be shining brightly for all of those I love. Wow, this has completely turned into a full blown ramble. I am going to go. Thanks for reading if anyone got this far.

I made.......

the Dean's List at school today! I don't have many accomplishments, so this is a nice change. I don't have much to talk about, but I wanted to stop it and give a quick update. So June 13th was my dad's 63rd birthday, he had a fun day so that's great. On June 14th my niece Rachel turned 21, she had an awesome time with her best friend so I am glad. This is a really hard month for me, as it's the celebration of many birthdays in the family, but also the anniversaries of the passing of many loved ones and friends. I have been rather emotional about it, but I am just trying to remember they are in a better place now. I guess I'm going to go.

I think I might be seeing light....at the end of the tunnel

So it's been a while since I have updated my blog properly. Things have been pretty stressful, and hectic the last few weeks. I thought I would drop in and give an update. I am not sure that I have even mentioned on here that I got hired by an insurance company on May 12th. I am still working for them, but since they would not give me a base pay or any type of fuel expense help we came to the agreement that I can just phone and email them with information instead of driving so far and spending money without the certainty of making money. Although this hasn't really worked out as I just haven't found anyone interested in getting an insurance quote. Matt is working some at his mom's laundromat and it looks like that might become permanent. We are both still looking for other jobs, and I am praying that something opens up soon. So if any of you know of anything in the near by area, please let me know.

I know I came on here a lot talking about our financial situation and the fact that our house was being foreclosed on. The foreclosure sale date was May 28th and our house was supposed to be sold on the court house steps. Thankfully were were able to sign our bankruptcy papers on May 26th, and our foreclosure sale was stopped. We have to make our first payment to the bankruptcy court/trustee on June 25th. Then we will have to attend a bankruptcy hearing on July 22, 2009. I am so thankful that it seems like the creditors calling and harassing us is a thing of the past. We are working hard to get things straightened back out, and I appreciate all of the prayers and support that you have given me.

I am still going to school, and finally feel like I can give my school work a bit more of the attention it deserves. I am still holding onto my 4.0 GPA which I am very proud of. I finally feel like things are starting to turn around and maybe I will make something out of my life. I am in World Civilizations 2 now, and I am liking the time periods we are covering now much better than I did the time periods we covered in World Civ 1. I have been thinking about going for my Bachelor's in Social and Criminal Justice, but I am not sure if financially I will be able to do it.

I am not really sure what else to update ya'll on. If there is anything anyone is wanting to know please ask.

So..the date is set.

So we found out yesterday (Monday) just by chance that they mortgage company has set a sale date on our house. They have yet to notify us of this. I am interested to see when they'll bother to send me a letter letting me know they are selling my house out from under me. Their lawyer is getting me some figures since the last set of figures was wrong. I just want to get this all worked out, and I am $300 short of doing so. The sale date is set for May 28th, which is so soon. I have to get a ton of paper work done, and get the $300 I need to go with the money we have so that we can take care of this. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I'm scared, mad, sad, confused, angry, just so many things. Honestly I want to talk about it, but I don't even know what to say. I do know that if I have to leave here, I might as well be dead. I already feel like I'm dying inside. My nightmares went away for a while, but have been starting up again. I guess they could sense that this was coming. So now it's at the stage where I wait until I'm dead tired to get in bed, and I'll sleep but..it'll be a sleep full of nightmares and I'll wake up feeling worse than when I went to bed. When I wake up, I'm glad the nightmares are gone, but then again I dread it..because every morning I wake up is one more morning closer to being homeless.

This all wouldn't be so bad if we knew we had somewhere to go if we don't get the money to save the house. But, sadly we don't have anywhere. I talked to my mom again Monday night, and she isn't much help. I have come to the conclusion that I was a horrible person in my past life and that it's catching up with me now. All of the times I told people karma was a bitch, how little did did I know..that karma would come around and bite me in the ass.

I guess I deserve this.

I hope and pray that we can get the $300 we need and that we can get the paper work filed in time, and that we can find work, and that it all goes smoothly. But I know better. Nothing, NOTHING ever goes smoothly for us.

Our wedding for example, the pastor backs out two weeks before the wedding. The invites were already sent, everything was set to take place, we had to find a pastor, it was crazy.

When we bought this house, Matt lost his job, had to prove employment again to the mortgage company. Had to find a job fast, luckily my dads business was doing good then and he could hire Matt. Also we closed on this house on a Friday, the Monday of that week a tornado came through and destroyed several buildings in town and destroyed roofs on over half of the houses in town. We were a wreck thinking this house probably got it too. After many times of the closing date being pushed back, we were certain that the tornado got it, and that we wouldn't end up owning the house. After the sirens stopped, and the danger had passed we rushed from Matt's moms where we were staying to check on the house and to call our realtor and loan agent who were also worried about the house. On the drive, we were so nervous I almost threw up. I told Matt, that if we got the house and it was safe it was our Omen that it was meant to be our house.

We pulled up, and there were limbs scattered everywhere, the neighbors metal shed was in shards in our backyard. But the house was untouched. All around was debris, shingles, toys, anything you could imagine from other houses, but ours was perfect. I knew in that moment we were meant to be here. I don't want to leave. Just the thought of it puts me to tears. This is our little house, we are proud of it. We take pride in keeping it clean, and taking care of our yard. We even transplanted baby trees from my parents yard into ours, and they're finally budding out.

I have to go whatever I can to keep this place. It's our home. It's our safe haven. If anyone knows of any ideas that might help me out please suggest them.

I'm scared. If I have to leave here. I am sure that I will wilt and die.

So....it's...a/an....

A! I got my final grade back for the last I completed last week. I'm thrilled that I ended the class with an A. I earned 93.5% for the class. I was worried that my final paper and power point presentation wouldn't get as good of a mark as I wanted. I ended up getting 18 out of 20 points on that. I really wanted to do better, but I will accept that score. I have completed five classes now, and so far they've all been with A's. This class was the lowest score % wise that I've had. It was a really informative class, but it was much more technical than I had thought it would be. I guess it's a good thing though. I can take what I've learned and actually apply it to future classes, and other experiences. I guess that's all I have to say.

Where does the time go?

I can't believe I haven't updated in so long. I guess I was waiting until I had something new to say, but really it's just the same old. Tatem turned 5 on the 21st! I can't believe it, she's such a beautiful little girl, and so precious. I can still remember her cries as she entered the world, and I remember holding her for the first time. Ugh, she's my baby, and now she's not a baby. She is very adamant now to tell you she's a big girl, and she is. I turned 24 on April 23rd. I really don't feel any different, but I've felt older than my years for a long time now. I don't mean that I feel wiser either, I just feel old. I feel tired, worn out, burnt out, scared, depressed, just overwhelmed. We are pretty sure the foreclosure date will be coming in the mail any day now. So we are hoping and praying to get something settled so that, we will not actually be foreclosed on. This is our home, we have no where to go, nor do we want to leave. We are both still looking for work, and I feel it, something is going to happen very soon. Just pray for us. School is going okay, I am waiting to hear my final grade for my last class. The teacher is taking his sweet time grading our final papers and power point projects. My whole grade rides on this since it was 20% of our grade and it's the only thing that isn't graded. I started my history class on the 21st and the things we are studying don't interest me in the least. I feel this class will be the one that breaks my 4.0 GPA. But I am going to give it my all and that's all I can do.

On the 21st Matt and I had a nice dinner with my parents at their house, then just hung around a bit. On my actual birthday we went out to dinner with Matt's mom and his 7 year old brother. I didn't recieve anything such as a material present, I did recieve a card from one of the woderful ladies of BNA. I did get a lot of Happy Birthday wishes online though.

I am just hoping that I can take this year, and turn it around. Turn our lives around. I am going to try. I'm tired of being a talker, a thinker and a planner. I want to be a do-er.

The day of judgment has passed.

Thanks for the good luck wishes on my court appearance and for all of the advice you all have given me. I went to court on Monday April 13th. I hardly slept at all the night before. I was so nervous. It really wasn't a big deal. I just went there, sat and waited as called people by last names. I spoke with the lawyer for Capital One and he told me that I could deny the debt, accept it, or ask for time to seek a lawyer. I went ahead and admitted the debt was mine, because it was, and there was no point is asking for time to get a lawyer when I had already had a month to try to get one, and legal aid services had denied me. I was the second to last person on the docket. I think I waited about an hour before I was called before the judge. I told the judge it was my debt and that I was fully accepting it, that I don't have employment and that I can't get an attorney to fight it. I told him I just want it over with. So they entered the judgment against me meaning, that Capital One has the right to collect every cent that they wanted plus court fees. Which ends up being just under $1,500. Although the lawyer that was representing Capital One told me that since I am not working they can't collect. He said to call when I have some way to work with them. So I guess this means they'll leave me alone for a bit. I thought you all might want to know.

Update On Me

I thought I would give an update on what's happening with me right now, since so many of you have given me advice and support. First I want to thank you all for your advice, and for all of the information such as links that you have given me. Since Spring is here it seems like places are actually starting to hire again, so Matt and I have been applying for jobs like crazy, since there are more available than there has been in a long while. I am hoping we'll get something even if it's just seasonal work. I took the advice that I was given to contact legal aid for representation against the credit card that is suing me. I applied for the legal aid services Wednesday. I called back Thursday and they said to give them 3-5 business days to review my application before contacting them again. So I didn't expect to hear back until next week. I received a letter in the mail from the legal aid services, and they have turned me down They said that since they have limited funding at this time they can not represent me. They said that my case does have legal merit and that I can contact an attorney at my cost. Well, if I could afford to hire a lawyer I could afford to pay the stinking credit card company.

So as it stands I will be attending my court date April 13th without any legal representation. I'm not sure what will happen, but I guess we'll see. I am still working towards getting the money to file a bankruptcy before the rest of the credit cards sue us as well. We stand to lose the house soon unless we can file the bankruptcy before a foreclosure sell date. So, we are just trying to make money any way we can, and hopefully something will pan out soon.

School is still going well, and I am enjoying the computer literacy class I am in. It's more technical than I thought it would be, but I am actually enjoying learning about the parts of the computer we don't usually think about. I really hope I can continue on with school. It took me a long time, and a lot of building my courage up to actually enroll, and now that I am actually doing it, I don't want to have to give it up.

I appreciate everything that you have done to support me.

I have to get this worked out..and fast...

I cant sleep, but I'm so tired. When I sleep I have nightmares. I have to get this money. Things are closing in fast..the walls are starting to crumble. I am in panic mode. I just want to go to sleep and..not wake up. Not so much that I really want to die, I just don't want to wake up. Being awake just means that it's not all a bad dream. Anyone feeling extra rich and willing to give me a loan?

Funny how things can have a double meaning..

I have been noticing that things can have meaning in this life and in a past. It's just so odd, but makes so much sense. I guess that won't make sense to most of you, but for those that understand it..<3

I don't really have much of an update. Things are much the same. Trying to get the money to get this straightened out before I have to go to court. I don't see that this is going to happen. So I am just trying to keep my nerves calm. I am hungry and need a snack..but I am too lazy to get up and make anything.

I really should try to get some sleep. It's 3:52AM, but I just can't sleep. The dream I had last night was enough to keep me from wanting to sleep. I have to do some reading in my text for school and get an assignment done that's due tomorrow. I would get started now, but my eyes are tired. So, I will just have to get some sleep and get to work.

How is everyone? I feel like I have been out of the loop.

A bit of good news for a change....

I got my grades for the two assignments I was waiting on. I scored 3.5 out of 4 and 3.6 out of 4. My overall grade for the class was 94.45% out of 100% which means I got an A!

I have completed 4 classes now and have gotten A's in them all. I have 12 credits now. My 5th class just started Tuesday and it seems like it's going to be hard, but I hope I can keep my grades up. It is Computer Literacy and the prof. likes things very detailed. It's not really about the basics of computers, its actually about the hardware and such. It's a pretty technical class, but I am up for it. I plan to spend some time tomorrow jumping in and reading some assigned chapters. I want to do well on the test next week. Also I had an assignment due Monday that I want to do well on as well.

My final paper for the class has to be 8 pages, excluding the tile and reference page. I also have to have a power point presentation with it. I am already in freak mode about doing well on this. I have chosen to do mine on Robotics. I hope to learn a lot and be able to present what I learn in an orderly fashion. If any of you know any cool websites or books that might help me out with this I'd appreciate it.

My enrollment adviser called me just this evening to congratulate me. I was so surprised. She says my grades are fantastic. She said that I am way up there and that my attendance is perfect. She said that my academic practices are the best of all of the students she handles. She said she has no other students whose grades are where mine are and assured me that I was doing exceptionally well. She's a very sweet lady and I do enjoy talking with her. I am really not used to someone being so excited over my work. I am so happy! She also asked if I had thought about going for my BA when I am done with my Associates. I told her I had thought a little of it, and was interested in Criminal Justice. She says if I decide to go that route she can get me enrolled in a program where some of my credits for my BA could roll over towards a Master's Degree as well. What do you all think? I really don't know about all of this type of stuff. I need some advice. She said I should be on the next Dean's list!!

Let Down...

by those you think you can trust. It seems as though the people we have trusted and helped the most are the ones that keep screwing us over. So, we have decided that we are going to to our best to cut those people out of our life. It's sad when you have to cut close family members out of your life, but I guess that's how it's going to be. I wish I could talk more in depth about this because it's really been bothering me. Although these people have hurt us and keep on doing it, I can't bring myself to say who they are in fear that they might read this one day and be hurt by it. I guess I shouldn't give a damn if I hurt their feelings, because they obviously don't give a rats ass about anyone but themselves. So recently I have done work for two people that talked to me about the payment arrangements before doing the work, as with most work I was supposed to do the job then get paid. Guess what...I did the work and have yet to get paid. The one just hasn't talked to me since, I guess it's because she doesn't want to pay me. The other actually had the guts to tell me she spent the money and can't pay me. Well, see if I ever do anything for either of you bitches.

I am so damn tired of being screwed over. Matt and I have been too good to jump and run to help people, and have put ourselves on the back burner. Now we are the ones paying the ultimate price.

Moving on, I am waiting to hear back on grades for two assignments from my class that ended Monday. I can't wait to get those grades so that I know what my final grade is for the class. I scored 23.4 out of 25 on my final paper for that class, so I was pretty pleased.

My new class started Tuesday. So far I like it, but I think I'm in for it. This class is more technical than what I am used to. I am really nervous about what my grades will be like in this class, and I pray that I pass. I am still holding on to my 4.0 GPA and I pray that I can throughout this class.

I am still going through a really, really hard time financially. Things are really terrible, and I need some money soon to straighten them out. If any of you know of any work that would be available in my area or the surrounding areas or that I could do online please let me know. I am at my wits end.

I am hoping to get some time after I get all of this financial stuff straightened out to really get back into my writing. I haven't really been able to sit and write for a long time now. I have several stories that I would like to get finished in the hopes of having them published one day.

Well, I guess I don't really have anything else to say.

<3 Amanda

I just wish...

that tonight when I close my eyes...they stay closed. Only to open to a happier place. I can't take this anymore.

Broken...................

I do feel broken. In so many ways. I can't even explain it. It's 1:15am and I have a paper due today. The only thing I have accomplished on it is the title page. I am second guessing whether I understand the instructions for it or not. This prof. has left me second guessing everything. I have asked and asked for clarification. I guess I will just write and see what happens. I can totally see my 4.0 slipping away. I guess it's true though, nothing can last forever. All I can do is my best, and when that isn't good enough I can just be angry with myself, learn from it and move on. So many things on my mind lately that I can't even concentrate. The services for R. are tomorrow evening, so I need to get this paper done asap since I wont have tomorrow evening to work on it. I am still in such shock over his passing. I have been praying for his family and everyone that knew and loved him. I have been praying for Tatem, because she is still so young, and she loved her Papa so much. I am just so lost, broken and confused. I guess I better go and try again and again to get this paper done. I pray that I get a good grade on it, but sadly this time I don't think that's going to be the case.

There's so much more I want to say, but I have to hold it back. I hate this feeling, ..feeling like I can't truly talk about everything. Oh well...such as life. My brothers, dad and Matt all seem to live by the motto ...just get over it. So whatever happens today..I guess I'll just GET over it.

Explode

I basically feel like my head is going to explode. I have so much on my mind right now, and pretty much none of it is good. I have to take a test for school tomorrow and I have a paper due Monday. I haven't even been able to concentrate long enough to study for the test or to even work on the paper. Although I have tried and tried my mind keeps going to all of the other things. Thursday my ex sister in laws dad passed away suddenly. I just can't believe he is gone. He was a wonderful man, and he is going to be deeply missed. I plan to attend his services on Monday evening. He was Tatem's grandpa and I am so grateful for all of the memories I have of him that I can share with her when she is older. Even though Tatem is young, I don't think she'll ever forget her grandpa. If you all could please pray for his family and his friends. Friday I received a letter in the mail alerting me of more bad financial news to come anyday now. I basically need $1,000 to make this situation go away, but there is no way I can raise that money in the time I have alloted to me. Please pray for me and the situation. I have no family that has that much money to loan right now.

I applied for two jobs today, so maybe I will hear from one of them. I really need work right now. I am desperate to keep my home, and to get my debt straightened out before it gets even worse.
I am really scared and confused right now about a lot of things, and I fear it will only get worse.

Well, enough of my rambling. No one even reads this but at least I have a place to vent.

Root Beer Dreams

Yeah I am back into my bad sleeping habits. Here I am at 3:26 AM and I am not really tired yet. I didn't go to bed until 7Am yesterday. The dreams are coming back. The good and the bad. I can't stand it when this starts happening again. I am currently drinking root beer and hoping I can sleep after a nice warm shower. I am watching Little House On The Prairie and taking a break from my paper. I have been working on it all evening. I have my title page and 5 pages of body done. So now I just need 3 pages of body and my reference page. The reference page wont be hard to do once I am done with the body of the paper. I haven't noticed many updates on the blogs that I follow. I hope that you are all doing well. There isn't really anything going on new in my life. Since I haven't been falling asleep until day light I have been hearing the neighbors yappy little dog bark while I am trying to sleep. This dog is so adorable, but it's so very annoying. I feel terribly sorry for it. They tie it up to the door of their shed and no not leave it any food or water. The poor thing stands out there and barks all day. I can't believe it hasn't gone hoarse from all of the barking. It's a very small dog, smaller than most cats. I hate seeing it out there. Saturday it was out in the snow for several hours before they decided to take it indoors. This has really been bothering me, and I have no idea what to do about it. I hate causing trouble with neighbors so I am afraid to approach them. They don't exactly seem like the type of people I would want to get mixed up with. I wish they would just move away.

Well, I don't have much to say. I guess I am going to finish watching my show, and then take a nice warm shower and try to sleep before the sun rises, and for more than an hour straight.

Thanks to all of you that read this blog. I appreciate it.

Not fast enough....

Do you ever find yourself frustrated because things don't happen as quickly as you want them to? I find this to be a huge problem for me. I expect things to happen too quickly and then I am easily disappointed when they don't. This is something I am working on. Not too much is happening around here. Much the usual. Looking for work, trying to get by, wishing I had the money to get caught up on my mortgage. My family and friends are what keeps me going. Although many times my family is the cause of my stress, and the reason why I doubt myself, I love them endlessly.

Tonight I have been working on a rough draft for a paper that is due Monday. I am hoping that I understand the instructions and that I do well. The final draft of this paper is worth 25% of my final grade. I am frantic in the idea that this paper could really mess with my 4.0 GPA. I have just been doing this best I can, and that's all I can do. So if this is the paper that screws me over lol I guess that will just be the way it is. So far I have the title page, and 2 pages of body done. I will have to get 6 more pages of body and the reference page done.

Last night I had two really weird dreams that have been with me all throughout the day. I don't really feel like sharing them in detail on here since my blog is public. But I must say they were definitely interesting.

I have made a new blog about my addiction to wrestling. I hope you all check it out and feel free to become followers on it.

I am not sure what else to talk about. I feel like my posts are much the same each time. I am sorry for that, but lol my life is just mundane.

My Weekend

I don't have much to say so I'll just write about my weekend. Saturday was not a good day, at least that's how it started. I needed to reformat my computer, and it was supposed to be a simple process that would take about 35 minutes. Well, there was a problem and it kept shutting itself off during the reformat. It was starting to look like it was never going to be reformatting. Let me tell ya I was really worrying because it wouldn't have a windows operating system until it was formatted. After several hours it finally decided to go through with the reformat, and several hours later everything was as good as knew. Thank goodness. We also went to McDonald's to get lunch after about the 100th time that the computer restarted during the reformat. We were both frustrated, and hungry. So things seemed to get worse when McDonald's shorted us on a set of fries and our straws for our drinks. Matt was in a bad mood and didn't want to go back to get them. I was in a pissy mood as well.

But finally everything ended up working out. Sunday wasn't that exciting. I read for school and took a quiz. The quiz was freaking hard. I scored 4.5 out of 5, and I am so lucky I did. We also went grocery shopping and got yummy $5 foot longs at subway. Subway makes the best sandwiches. Then I spent the rest of the evening talking online to Anna, Lacey and Lauren.

Yep..that's my weekend. Not too exciting. Hopefully my next update will be more exciting.

Is Anything How You Picture It?

I stumbled upon some pictures online of the characters that play in the Twilight movie. I have yet to see the movie. I couldn't believe how different the characters were in my minds eye, but somehow still the same. How many of you ever think that the movies don't live up to what you picture if your mind when you're reading? I haven't started reading the fourth book in the Twilight series yet. I have it, but I have just been busy with other things. I hope to read it soon. When I have a chance I have been reading a book about the Murder of Laci Peterson, but I haven't read it for a while, it was upsetting, and I wanted to take a break from it. I am also reading Delia's Heart by V.C. Andrews and haven't really gotten to read it at length yet. From what I have read of it I really enjoy it. V.C. Andrews is my all time favorite author. The things she writes about are so twisted, and yet so real. I love how she was never afraid to approach subjects that are considered taboo.

Nothing much is knew around here. We're just taking things one day at a time and getting by. School is going okay, I would enjoy a break from it for a bit, but that's not going to happen any time soon. So far so good with the grades still have a 4.0. Managed to get a 99.16% in my last class. I may have already wrote that on here, I can't remember. I am taking Interpersonal Communications right now, and I feel like I have really learned a lot. I just hope that my grade is good. The prof seems like she will be a hard grader, but that's life.

How is everyone doing?

Self Perception

I haven't written in a few days so I just thought I'd drop in and post. This past week in school we had to write a self perception. As I sat writing mine, I realized a lot of things about myself. Then I became confused. It's really true the more you think about something, the more confused you can become. The realization I had about myself made me start thinking about the things I can work on. Made me think about the things I need to change. It was kind of embarrassing to share with my classmates how I really view myself, but as I said to another classmate it almost seemed theraputic and I think I really needed it. When was the last time you took a good look at yourself, and how you view yourself? I am really nothing more than a small girl, trembling in a corner, longing to be held and praised. I tend to shy away from large crowds, or compliments. I have a hard time believing people when they say nice things about me, or to me. Also I have always been afraid to be confident or show confidence or pride. I am this way, because I have been taught to beleive that if you act too prideful or confident you will jinx yourself and bad things will happen. It has been my experience in life, when I am happy and things are going well, and I finally smile, the world crashes around me. I guess you could say that I am slightly shell shocked. I love Matt to death, and he compliments me a lot, but I'm always left wondering if the words are just empty. He assures me they are not, but I am still working on accepting the fact that I may be pretty, funny, or smart.

Okay well enough of my rambling.

Catching My Breath

I haven't really posted much lately. I've been busy working on my final research paper for my class that ended yesterday. It is worth 20% of our final grades. I am nervous to see what my grade will be on the paper, and for the class. It was a struggle for me, but I feel like I did walk away from the class with more insight on paper writing than I went into it with. As most of you know I dream of being a published writer, so I am willing to learn any skills out there that will make my dream a reality. The class I just finished was Composition II. I just started a new class today, it's called Interpersonal Communications. I actually have a few people from my last class in this class as well. It's always nice to have someone familiar in a new setting. I'm trying hard to hold onto my 4.0 GPA, but I am sure now that the classes are getting harder I wont be able to hold onto it for long.

We got some good news in the mail Monday, that will help us out financially a small bit at least for a little while. I pray that we find some type of work soon as we really need to get caught up with things. If any of you know anyone that would be interested in buying some cookbooks let me know. I have a ton of them here that are very nice and in great condition that I need to sell. They're just sitting on a shelf in our extra closet. I just feel like I need to stop and catch my breath for a while, and I hope I can do that soon. Today and tonight has been kinda mellow and that's the way I like it.

The picture I posted with this blog is such a perfect picture. I can imagine myself drifting off to the beautiful Kansas prairie and it just makes me want to smile. I've always felt a strong pull to the prairie and prairie life. I can't wait to get some time to just write, I have a story that takes place in Missouri & Kansas in the late 1800's that I'd like to get back to work on. Well, not sure what else to say so I guess I'll go. Feel free to ask me questions and leave comments :)

My Message Board

This is the link to my baby names message board. It's called Baby Name Prairie. Please feel free to join. I haven't been doing much with the site lately, but I'd like to get back into it, and have it grow. As most of you know I have always loved baby names, so the site is a great way to be able to find over name lovers. I hope to see you all there :)

My New Fridge

Yup, that's right I'm writing a blog about a fridge lol. I'm just so happy to have gotten the fridge home yesterday. We have lived here 10 months and haven't had a fridge to use in the house the whole time. We've been using a super old fridge in our garage that we are sure will just stop working at any moment. So yesterday we got a fridge, it was a total event getting it in the house. Apparently someone didn't measure to allow for the door handles on the fridge to fit through our front door. So we tried to bring it in through either door in our house, and it simply wasn't going to work. So in the end we ended up taking the front door off, taking the glass storm door off, and some door trimming, and still having to take one door off of the fridge just to get it into the house! Lol then there was the part where everything had to be put back together. All in all though, everything got put back where it needed to be, and I finally have a fridge in my kitchen. I can't wait to get the ice/water dispenser hooked up on it, but that will come when we have someone who can attach it to a water line. Our house was built in 1949 and wasn't really designed for modern things like washers and dryers and the like, so now the kitchen seems rather crowded lol, but I don't mind. I'm just thrilled to have the fridge here..finally!

So here are some pictures, sorry they aren't the best quality. So what do you think?

Curse

Why do I feel like I'm a curse? Like I'm not worthy of a damn thing? Why do I feel like I am being punished for being a bad person? Am I a bad person? I feel dizzy, I feel sick, I feel...I feel like..why should I even feel anymore. What's the point?

Celebrating Life & Death

So today is Matt's birthday although the day is almost over. He turned 25 . We had some yummy birthday cake and enjoyed being together. It was a bitter sweet day. This morning at 7:05 am I got a call that a great aunt passed away. She's been failing in health for as long as I can remember. She has been having trouble with her memory for many years now. She confuses people, with others or just flat out doesn't remember a thing. A few weeks back she fell and broke her hip, and was having internal bleeding. Then recently she decided she didn't want to be in the hospital anymore and yanked the tubes out of her, and got out of the bed. She fell and broke her other hip, and was having more internal bleeding. I am just glad she isn't in pain anymore. I feel selfish for wishing she was still her, she was such a spunky lady. She would have moments of clarity and it was wonderful to see her like that. But..as I have told family members today..the people she knew and remember 20 years ago before her memory failed have been dead for many years now. She has went to join them, she is with the ones she loves, the ones she knows and she is happy. I am sure of it.

I guess we have to celebrate death, along with life. Several times today I have felt guilty about celebrating Matt's birthday....while mourning for the loss of Auntie. I cried this morning and told Matt I felt guilty for living, for being able to see the sunshine today, and to enjoy my family and to be doing something as simple as eating birthday cake. He reminded me that we all have a time, and when it's time we have to go. I guess the ones of us left here on Earth, have to live for ourselves, and for the ones who have gone on before us.

I hope I am making some sense. The visitation will be Monday night, and the funeral Tuesday. If I am scarce the next few days you'll know why. On top of this I have a HUGE paper due, it's my final for this class and I can't afford to fail it. I was trying to work on it earlier..but nothing would come out when I sat down to type.

I keep having a dream that I am pregnant with a little boy, how wonderful would that be? I have always felt like my first child would be a son. Although Matt and I would be happy with either sex. We used to be so sure that we'd name our first son Zen/Xen, but now....it looks like he'd totally be Walker. I guess it's just a beautiful dream, but I hope that one day it'll became a reality.

The Last Few Days

This is a picture of my a bit of my backyard. Monday it started sleeting/icing and then snowing. Tuesday it did a bit more, so here is the yard Monday night. Wednesday we were finally able to leave the house to go to Springfield. There are many things we can't purchase here in Buffalo. So we had a lot of errands to do Wednesday while in Springfield. First we met up with my parents for a few minutes to pay them back $100 that we owed them. Then we headed to the bookstore. I have been going to this bookstore since I was a kid. When I walk in I just feel at ease. I love the feeling of being surrounded by books. I think that's why I want to own a bookstore one day. So I ended up buying several books for pleasure reading, and bought one book that I can use for school. It's a Business book. The Business book alone normally sells for $25 and I got all of the books for only $28! I was thrilled. Then we headed to the Olive Garden to eat. We used gift cards we got for Christmas. The meal was soooo sooooo sooooo good. The waiter didn't offer us wine although he was offering it to all of the other customers. I cracked up when it was realized that he didn't do so because he didn't think I was of age.

We then went to the mall where we found awesome deals on clothing, which we really really needed. We hadn't had new clothes in about 2 years. I found jeans for $13 and for $8.99 at JCPenney. Also I found a shirt at old navy for $4.99! We also bought a birthday present for a friends daughter and it was on sale too! Then we went to Walmart to do our grocery shopping. It's crazy how expensive just buying food is nowadays. We also bought another heater which is awesome. The house isn't freezing now!After Walmart we stopped by my parents house for a short visit and then headed home. It was really nice to have a day out, and it was amazing to get things we needed and to get them while they were on sale :)

This week I also made contact with my nephew that was given up for adoption as a baby over 17 years ago. I know I have talked about him to many of you. It's just so freaking amazing to have contact with him. He also loves music and singing, and I am floored that we have it in common.

I also spent about 2 hours on the phone to my niece Rachel last night. It was nice to have an adult conversation with her, I'd really missed having her to talk to. I also seen new pictures of my great niece Sarina. She's a doll for sure.

I've also gotten back grades on some work that I was really stressed over, and thought I'd totally bomb. I aced the work. I couldn't freaking believe it.

This week has been really good :) I hope things just get better. For everyone.

Tomorrow is Matt's 25th birthday and the 8 year anniversary of our first date :) I can't believe we became boyfriend and girlfriend 8 years ago! We've been married 3 years and 7 months now :)

Tired and Frustrated

So I have been up about 21 hours now, slept 2 hours last night. Then I stocked the pizzas and visited my parents, then came home did laundry, vacuumed, cleaned toilet, tub and sinks, then made diner, did dishes etc. I'm wiped but as usual my mind is just racing. I've been searching for articles to use as references for my research paper with no damn luck at all. My prof. said that my idea for Inventory Management or Inventory Control would work. So I went to the school database that I have to use, and I haven't found once single thing. This is not GOOD! I have research proposal to write about said paper, and a preliminary reference page and they're due Monday. I can't write them without having some damn references. I can use sources other than the school database as long as they are credible, but I have to have 5 articles from the school database and ..as I had I have nothing. I am becoming really frustrated with this class, and the lack of assistance the teacher is giving.

A small bit of good news

Finally my financial aid from school was mailed on the 22nd which was technically yesterday though I'm inclined to say today since I haven't slept yet. I am really glad the money is on it's way and I hope it comes soon because I need to buy my next round of texts books. I hope I can find them on ebay because paying full price is just nuts. My prof. got back to me today and said that my idea for writing about Inventory Management or Inventory Control would work just fine. I really hope to do well on this research paper. I'm so damn nervous. I knew college was always over my head, and most days I find myself wondering why in the hell I thought I could do this. Saturday I'll be stocking frozen pizzas for my parents, they do a route on the weekends and I'm going to do it Saturday so that they don't have to and so that I can make some much needed money. The pay crappy for the amount of work and drive time involved but oh well. So it's basically going to 11 different stores and going into their freezers to get the stock out, and then stocking it. Very exciting stuff. I wear pretty purple mittens because the freezers are damn cold to work in.

The 31st is Matt's birthday which is next Saturday. He's turning 25. I really want to get him something, but I have no idea what. He's the hardest person to shop for. The 31st is also the anniversary of our first date, which was the night we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah lol we still celebrate that. I can't believe that was 8 years ago!

Okay ladies hit me with some ideas for a gift for Matt
He likes computers & computer games if that helps.

Complicated

It seems like everything has to be so damn complicated. I just want to sit here and enjoy my life, to smile and know that I am NOT really hiding worry and fear behind that smile. I wish I had some damn cake..or some brownies. That would make happy...at least for a little while. This whole situation with not being able to find work is really starting to get to me. I hate talking about it because it seems like I'm whining, but damn it frustrates me to no end. I just don't know what lies ahead, and I hate hate hate hate hate it when things are unsure. Things with school are stressing me out, because I need to narrow down the topic of Operations Management for a research paper, and I have no idea what to narrow it down too. I am just waiting to hear back from the teacher. I hope she gets back to soon, because the preliminary reference page and the research proposal are due Monday, and I very well can't write them without knowing what the topic is I am writing about.

Okay I guess I am rambling. Bye.

4am

I wish that I had more desserts and less stress. I know if I had as many desserts as I do stress I'd be so fat that I'll had to roll instead of walk. I am sitting here at 4am and I have a notepad of stuff for my paper that's due today. Said paper still isn't finished and when I re-read the notes..it's just trash. I'm no closer to being done with this than when I freaking started. I just wanna scream...and pull my hair out. I wish I had some dessert...at least I could cry while I ate some chocolate. That'd make me feel much better. I wanted to have this done before I fell asleep because I have enough trouble sleeping without this praying on my mind. Oy.... maybe one day I'll get some actual sleep. The kind that doesn't wake me every 5 mins with a nightmare. I can't even remember what good dreams were like.

Blankly Shattered

I'm having the worst time with a paper that is due Monday. I have to write an argumentative essay. For some reason I just can't get this done. I have picked the topic of Capital Punishment. Every time I start researching, my mind starts wandering and I just can't focus. I'm getting really frustrated with myself, and I just want to scream. I have to get this paper done, but at this rate...I never will.

Well I wrote the above this afternoon and its 2:51 am now..and I am so blank. This paper is so not going to get done on time. I really wanted to do so well on it that I am so stuck. I am terrified of messing it up because I've never done a paper like this. I guess my fear of messing up is totally blocking me from getting anything done. I'm so damn frustrated with myself. I have been trying to research this all day, and I'm like so fucking screwed.

Also I had some family say some really nasty junk to me today. I am so damn tired of being the low life, failure. I am so tired of people thinking that I am not trying hard enough. I feel like there's so much weight on my shoulders that I'm going to buckle and break at anytime. It hurts so badly. Sometimes I think people just get a kick out of watching me struggle. They like to laugh at my pain.

Reminds me of the boyfriend I used to have..that said things like, "It's funny to watch you cry." or..."I love to watch you cry." or..sweet words like.."you know I only make you cry because I love you."

Fucking hell, why do people get their pleasure from my pain? Is it really so much fun?

Tears

Sometimes I just feel like crying. I guess we all do. Sometimes I just feel like yelling.."Do you know these tears are because of you?" But would it really matter? No, mostly like not. I know I will drown in my tears, constantly left swimming in my thoughts. Does it really matter? I just can't explain. Sometimes my tears just keep falling, steadily as rain.

So tonight when I look at you, will you even see? I'll flail and cry out for your help, but you'll just look away. Deep into my private ocean I'll sink...struggling to breath. The tears will over come me, and I will succumb to pain. My memories are haunting as my tears fall down like rain.


Yeah..okay that made no sense at all, it just kind of came out. But I feel better.

Why Bother?

A lot of the time I am finding myself wondering why I even bother. It's like nothing I ever say, think or feel is good enough for anybody. I am always second guessing myself. I hate feeling this way. I just want to be someone that my family and friends can be proud of. I don't really even feel like I know myself anymore. Anyhow....

I got my grades back from last week. I scored 4 out of 4, 4 out of 4 and 4 out of 4. I think its just beginners luck. Last week was my first week in this new class. I really want to take a lot from this class, and a good grade too lol.

Well, I'm supposed to get a phone call today. I really hope it's good news. I'll share on here later if it is. I doubt I'll mention it again in detail if the call doesn't go well.

Last few days

It's been a few days since I updated. Seems like the last week flew by. Friday I went and stayed the night at my parents..I stayed Friday night too. My parents live about 45 minutes away. I helped them with the pizza route they do on the weekends. I also helped my dad cut, load and unload wood. Nothing really exciting. I made a bit of $ so that's always good. My parents seemed happy to have me there for the weekend. They don't get much company so lol I guess it was exciting for them. I was glad to get back home though. So not much going on here. Just looking for a job as usual. I need to get cracking on some school work. I just feel a bit 'blah' today. So how is everyone? I never know what to write about. Anyone have any questions for me?

Obsessive Cleaning

So I think I really do have a disorder. I am much more worried about germs, and dirt, and things being in order than I ever have been. It seems as though I have to do things in a set pattern now as well. I feel as if something awful will happen if I break the pattern. So today I took down all of the Christmas decorations that were still up. Yeah I know right lol..it was time to say goodbye to them. I put away two loads of laundry, washed more, put it into the dryer. Did dishes..by hand..since we don't have a dish washer. Vacuumed the floors, and swept with a broom. I also vacuumed all of the furniture. I cooked..then did more dishes lol. I cleaned the sinks and the toilet and the bathtub. Everything looks nice and clean. As I was putting the cleaning supplies away company showed up..unannounced. I was less than thrilled with that, especially since I had just got done cleaning and knew I'd have to real clean once they left. I was also a bit put out, because I still had school work I needed to finish. So once this company left I had to re-vacuum because I just felt like I needed too, and I had to clean the toilet again. Yeah see what I mean by I think I have a disorder.

Well anyhow..after my nice cleaning spree I sat down and read a chapter in my textbook..then completed my last assignment for the week. I pray that I can pass this class. I really don't want to lose my 4.0 GPA, but I guess if I have to lose it to pass..so be it.

Wow my life sounds amazingly exciting huh?

We still haven't heard anything from our mortgage company, which could be a good thing, or a bad thing. Hopefully my money will come in soon, and I'll be able to fix this whole mess.

Nightmares

I had a picture I was going to put with this, but it seemed too disturbing the more I looked at it. So last night I had the worst nightmare I've had in a long while. I had just slept a few hours when I woke up totally freaked out. I hope to go to bed soon, and I pray that the dreams will be peaceful ones. Yesterday (since it is 3am) we took Matt's dad to his doctors appointment for a checkup. His doctor said his blood pressure is at stroke level. I hope he listens to his doctor and does what he needs to do to bring his blood pressure down. Then we stopped by Matt's moms to visit with her and his litter brother, that was an experience as usual. I'm just glad to be home, for as long as I can call this house my home, and I pray that it's a long time.

Well..today I have to work on some school assignments that I'm not looking forward too. I'm just so scared that I won't pass this class, and I know that I won't be able to keep my 4.0. But then again I'm surprised I had it in the first place lol.

Okay I'm just rambling and not really talking about everything that's on my mind. Sometimes it's just so hard to talk about it all..even though I'm dying to.

Just stress

Stress is pretty much my middle name. It's basically all that I've known, at least over the last few years. I've always had vivid dreams but lately they've been more like nightmares. I don't think I can remember when the last time I had a good nights rest was. The dreams are so vivid and some are just so strange. I can't really talk about them here. I'm not ready to share all of their details. I already sound like a crazy person more often than not. Well since its 1:33am school starts back from winter break today. I have some reading to do and some assignments. I sure hope that this class goes well. I am praying that I get a decent grade in it. I have completed two classes so far and got A's in both. But this one just seems like it's going to be way over my head. I guess that's the point though, the classes are supposed to get harder, supposed to challenge me. Not really sure what to talk about, I'm just rambling. We have to take Matt's dad to his doctor's appointment today since he doesn't drive anymore. I guess today I'll be at the Dr. then visiting at his house a while, then stopping by the store to pick up a few things that I need and then back home to try to get some school work done.

I hope that I have some kind of good news to write about soon.