Tick Tock

Time is passing, and at times it's hard to tell if it's going quickly, or very slowly. All I know is that with each ticking of the hands it's getting closer to the 31st, and I still don't have the $1281.03 that my mortgage company wants. I feel like I am just sitting on my hands watching everything disappear. I've been looking for a job, and so has Matt but with all of the business around us closing down, laying off and putting on hiring freezes we are out of ideas. It's so frustrating. We've thought about moving to another state, or even another country, but we have no money to go anywhere. I don't know why I am even blogging about this, other than maybe if I do it'll stay out of my head for at least 5 seconds. It's a terrible feeling wondering where our next dollar will come from, or if it'll come. I feel like the majority of my friends are drifting away from me, and let me tell you it hurts. I've never been one to make a big impression on anyone, and I guess that's my down fall. I'm not even sure why I am writing this..so I'm done.


Forever in the darkness...searching....for the light..~Patience Frost

Losing

I feel like I'm at a constant loss. A loss for a way to express what I am really feeling. The words are all there, just jumbled. It's like my mind is one big word search. You'll find all of the words, but will you know what order to put them in? I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. The 31st is coming soon, and the most important bill of all still won't be getting paid. I am going to lose my home, and have to pack up and leave. What's worse than that? The fact that I don't really have anywhere to go. Of course there is my parents home, but they don't really have room for me, and don't really want me there. I don't want to be there. I just wish that my check was coming in time. A day late and a dollar short, always. I was actually making progress in my life, only to be knocked back down...but that is a pattern. When things finally are finally going well, boom something comes along and derails the whole train. I started school back in October. That's right..college. Who would have ever thought it? I've said all of my life that I'd never go to college. I always knew that I was too stupid, that I'd just fail. I was always so afraid of looking like a failure that I never gave it a shot. Now I'm in school..just finished my second class..earned an A in both. I am actually learning and enjoying it..and wouldn't you know I will have to give it up when I have to leave my home. So....two steps forwards..for myself..has now turned into a giant leap backwards.

If only someone could loan us the money to pay the mortgage until my check comes, but it doesn't look like that will happen. I can hope, I can pray..and at the end of the day..I'm still just a twisted mess.

Twisted roots run deep I guess.

Into the woods I'll travel once again...hoping to find something there in the darkness~ Patience

Depression

I'm not sure why I even start blogs. I never write in them. I have so many thoughts in my head and I don't really want to let them out. There seems to be no point. No one really wants to hear them. I mean..they say they do, but really who wants to hear someone else piss and moan? Maybe tomorrow I will write just to let some of it out. It's hard to go through life so confused so closed up.