So excited! Mail surprise that made me smile!

For so long the mail has brought me bad or boring news, but today something I'd been waiting for arrived. Back on August 31st I wrote about being invited and inducted into the Alpha Sigma Lambda Honor Society chapter at my school. Well, today my certificate arrived in the mail, I may or may not have jumped up and down and squealed when my husband brought the package in from the mailbox. I went out and bought a nice wood frame for it and my husband hung it on the wall for me. I know this might sound like bragging, and hell maybe it is. I just have so few happy things to talk about, I am super excited over this. It is like finally having tangible proof of my hard work. So, here is my certificate in all of its glory.

Why say goodbye...

when you aren't happy to be leaving.

Intimidation

When something or someone is intimidating, it or they can make you feel incredibly small. A week ago today I finished a course that had me intimidated the entire time. The professor was like none I had ever had, she was very strict in her grading and was not afraid to sound her opinion or point out anything that anyone missed or had gotten wrong or gotten confused about. At first I thought it was because she was just a hard ass, but I realized that she was pushing us, she was making us use critical thinking skills. This is something I can respect. I was terrified that I was going to flounder in the class though since she was such a hard grader and I have issues with technical things like knowing where to use commas, semi colons etc. I found out early Sunday morning that I ended the class with a 97.25%. That thrilled me, but something else thrilled me more and  I am still ecstatic to say that I earned a perfect score of 25 out of 25 on my final paper. She gave me some amazing feedback and many compliments; like my paper was the best one she had read in quite a while. Throughout the course I had been intimidated, feeling as if I were an inch tall and cowering in the corner like a scared child. I let the intimidation I felt bring me down and cause me a lot of stress. I am so proud to say that I survived that course and now I feel as though I can push my way through other tough situations. Do not let intimidation beat you down, rise above it!

Just a ticker..or two

Alpha Sigma Lambda!

So I have been invited for the past two years or so to join Golden Key International Honor Society. I have yet to join. On Tuesday I was invited once again to join Golden Key, I was also invited to join Alpha Sigma Lambda. On Wednesday I pledged to Alpha Sigma Lambda. I know this may not be exciting news to most, but hey I hardly ever have anything to celebrate and I think joining an Honor Society is something to be proud of. I have nothing else to say, just wanted to drop in and share a small bit of happiness in my life.

An idea...

I know I haven't posted here in a long while. I really haven't had anything new to say. So I thought I would make an entry. I hope you are all doing well. I am currently working on something, I am not sure how it is going to pan out, but hey, no one is ever sure about anything. I am currently working on a new story that I am writing. When I get the story completed I will most likely attempt to get it into ebook format since that is easier and since technology has been over taking physical books. If all goes as I hope, then I will most likely be creating a blog for that story, and for future stories/books. I am really, really excited about this idea, and I hope that I do not let it fizzle out like I have let so many other ideas and dreams fade away. Well, that's all I have to say for now, please let me know if you'd be interested in knowing what happens with my story and with the potential new blog.

I need a job

I need a job so freaking bad. I am getting so frustrated that I haven't even had an interview in ages. With my husband and I both out of work things are really bad. Every single thing we have besides car insurance is due within the next two weeks and they are all shut off notices because I am late on the payments. I need $500 to get those bills paid, and I just do not see that happening. I am so sick of being stressed and depressed about my life and my financial situation. I know times are tough for everyone, but damnit this sucks. I have been told that no one wants to hear my troubles, but frankly if you're going to read my blog, you're going to read what's on my mind. I live with this everyday, even when I put my fake smile on I am worrying in the back of my mind about the bills that I cannot pay. I hate having to fake a smile or a laugh just to appease others.

What would you like to see

What would you all like to see here at my blog? I have noticed that traffic has picked up but my comments have actually dropped off. I am guessing my blog had turned boring. I find myself not posting often as I feel I repeat myself over and over about boring topics in my life. So, as my readers I am asking you what topics would you like for me to discuss. Are there any questions you all would like to ask me?

Awesome Blog Giveaway for those who love photography

http://www.angelakuziorphotography.com/blog/2011/06/giveaway-clickin-moms-lifetime-membershipredmond-wa-photographer/

Check out the link above to enter into a contest to win a life time membership at an awesome forum. I know many of you are interested in photography and this would be an amazing way to learn some new tips and meet new people who share a hobby.

Angel Wings

Do you ever wonder if only humans get angel wings? I like to believe that pets can go to heaven as well, if there is a heaven. 1 year ago today, June 21, 2010 our precious kitty Cosmo passed away. That was one of the worst days of my life. Some might say that he was just an animal or just a pet, but no he was so much more. He was a companion, he was a member of our family. Since we do not have children Cosmo always go the full extent of our attention. We planned things around what would be best for him. The house still feels so damn empty without him here. Sometimes we catch a glimpse of something of out the corner of our eye, and we think it's him. It's happened to both of us many times, it's almost a heart breaking feeling when reality hits..that no it wouldn't be him on top of the fridge..or no it's not him on the window sill. Today, I will try not to cry because I miss him so damn much, I will try to smile because I had the chance to love him for 10.5 years, and Matt had the chance to love him from a kitten, for 14 years. I remember on our wedding day when we came home..I squealed excitedly to Cosmo, "that I was finally his mommy for real." Yea he was my furbaby and I was his human momma. Our 6 year wedding anniversary was Saturday and Matt and I were laughing remembering how funny we thought it would have been to have him wear a little tux at our wedding, which we would have done if he wouldn't have been scared of crowds..or car sick as well lol. He had to stay at home and wait for our return. I could go on for hours about how much it meant to me and how much it hurt for him to leave us, but I like to think he is somewhere amazing watching down on us. I have never shared with anyone what went through my mind when I found him and realize he had left this Earth...and even a year later I cannot write those details. I doubt I will ever want to speak or type them. We have checked out many headstones for him and I think we have finally picked the one and have a good idea of what we want written on it. Whenever we get it ordered and get it set I am sure I will be posting pictures of that. I could post thousands of pictures and many videos of Cosmo but I selected just a few pictures to share. I am so thankful to have the videos and pictures to look at when I miss my boy.

Six years ago today....

Matt & I tied the knot. It a lot of ways it seems like time has flown since we had our first date 10.5 years ago, and in other ways it seems like time froze. It is hard to picture a time before Matt was a part of my life, heck I was 15 when we became boyfriend & girlfriend. When I've tried to imagine my life without my it just seems impossible. There would be a void there that nothing could ever fill. While times have been more than difficult for us financially, we have held together and one day it'll pay off. At least I hope so lol. We found an amazingly good deal on a place we would like to move to, so that we could give this place back to the mortgage company, but as usual without income we cannot go anywhere. The stuck feeling sucks. But onto happy things. We are just hanging out so far today, we watched the sunrise on the porch and now we are just sitting here messing around on the computer. Not sure what else we will do today. I thought about sharing some wedding pictures but I've shared them so often over the years that I am sure you have all seen them. I did put a picture of our wedding cake at the top of this post. I truly loved the cake, it was beautiful and so yummy.

19 years is way too long

to have to wonder what happened to your loved one. The loved ones of Sherrill Levitt, Suzie Streeter & Stacy McCall have been waiting for 19 years to find out what has happened to their loved ones. This story is near and dear to my heart for many reasons. It hits close to home since I am from Springfield and can vividly remember the immediate days following their disappearance. I might have only been 7 years old at the time, but I began praying then that there would be comfort, peace, justice and closure in this case. I still pray daily for that. My grandma passed away June 8, 1992 and one of the last things I remember was her reading about their story in the newspaper and her saying that she hoped they would come home safely and quickly. I think I tie the case in with the death of my grandma and I know how much I have missed her over the last 19 years. At least I had the peace of mind of knowing what happened to her and I was given closure. The picture on the left is of a flyer that was created at the time of their disappearance. I can remember a time when these flyers were all over Springfield and surrounding areas. Please look at their faces, maybe somewhere in your journeys you have spotted them, even if it was outside of the United States.

I have read every article and listened to and watched every piece of footage about "the three missing women". I desperately want their to be answers for the women and their families. As many of you know I am majoring in Social & Criminal Justice with a minor is Sociology and a specialization in Forensics. This case has been one of the driving forces behind my obsession with criminal justice. I want nothing more than to be involved in bringing justice to the victim's of crimes and to their families. I know that there is someone out there that has information about this case, please report any information you have no matter now insignificant you think it might be. Remember you can always remain anonymous. It simply makes no sense that three grown women could vanish without someone, somewhere hearing or seeing something. I have many theories on what I believe happened, but what matters is that these three beautiful ladies have been taken away from their families. They have been robbed of 19 years of their lives, and their families have suffered 19 years of heart break, uncertainty and wonder. Please think about how you would feel if these were your loved ones, for some of you they very well may be family. Lets continue to pray for these ladies and lets continue to keep their story in the eye of the public.

This is the Memorial Bench in their honor. It is a beautiful but sad reminder that these three ladies have left a void in the hearts of their loved ones and of their community. Springfield, we have to bring them home!

Memorial Day 2011

Memorial Day is more than getting extra time off of school or work, it's more than a weekend to hit the lake, get sweet deals at the store or to have a backyard BBQ. How many people stop to think about the true meaning behind Memorial Day? Memorial Day to me is remembering those who have gone on before us, those who made the ultimate sacrifice so that we can have the freedoms we enjoy today. Throughout my entire life Memorial Day has always been my favorite holiday. I enjoy spending my Memorial Day weekend remembering the fallen who have protected our country. I also enjoy going to visit the graves of my lost loved ones to leave them flowers, share memories of them, and sometimes leaving notes for them..even though I know those notes are likely to be read by other people. It is a time to remember the dead and to remember to appreciate the living. I am surprised at how many people are surprised that I actually go visit the graves of loved ones and that I leave flowers. Do any of you do the same?

I recently heard a song and wanted to share the music video here on my blog. The song is called "If Heaven Wasn't so Far Away" the singer is Justin Moore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_WnZNQf1ao&feature=related&wl_token=0IDgamb3Q-27gleoheFdugvqwKN8MTMwNjgyNTkzOEAxMzA2NzM5NTM4&wl_id=O_WnZNQf1ao

While you all enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, I hope you take some time to think about all of those who have gone on before us. I know I will be thinking about many loved ones I have lost..and I will be thanking those who have fought for the freedom of our country. God Bless you all. 

In Loving Memory of a Dear Cousin

You will be missed dear cousin. While you are not here in body, you will live on in the heart and memories of us all. Shine down on us and help us find comfort. 

Kymberly Jean Smith, age 29, of Springfield, MO, passed away Monday, May 16, 2011, at St. Louis University Hospital. She was born January 4, 1982, in Van Nuys, CA, to Roy and Sue (Kyger) Smith. She was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

She is survived by her parents of Springfield, MO; a sister Elizabeth Smith of Woodland Hills, CA, a brother Bruce Smith of Carrollton, TX, and a sister Charlene Smith of Springfield, MO; as well as host of other relatives and friends.

Funeral services will be held at 4:30 PM Saturday, May 21, 2011, at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Southern Hills Ward with Bishop Tim Scott officiating. Burial will be held in Maple Park Cemetery, Springfield, MO, at a later date. Visitation will be held from 3:00 to 4:00 PM Saturday, May 21, 2011, also at the church.Arrangements have been entrusted to Greenlawn Funeral Home South, Springfield, MO. In keeping with Kymberly’s wishes her last final act of love was live organ donations through the Gift of Life Donor program.

Please...let it..be...

Friday!! I have been waiting for Friday the 20th of May for so long now. I really hope it turns out to be a good day and that the mail brings me good news. Please if you all can send some thoughts my way. Also please keep my cousin Kymberly and her mom, dad, and little sister in your prayers. Kymberly passed away Monday at 29 years old.

It's not cool....

Plagiarism is not cool! I noticed that one of my classmates was not citing  his work, and upon getting ready to reply to some of his discussions I discovered they were all copied and pasted from various sites on the internet. When I first noticed this I thought he simply did not understand the proper citation method. But upon noticing it on every one of his assignments I decided the teacher had not caught this herself. So, I turned him in. I feel bad about doing so, but it is definitely not fair to the other students or to the original student. You are paying for college, use that to get an education not to polish up your copy & paste skills.

Not much to update. So I guess this post will be short. Remember if it's not your idea then give credit where credit is due!

Sugar Coated

My life is not sugar coated, very few attempt to spare my feelings and even if they are trying to, they let me know what they are really trying to say. I have spent my entire life trying to please others, being sympathetic and putting myself in the other person's shoes. I often sugar coat things in an attempt not to hurt their feelings. I think I have put myself on the back burner for too long, I have spared everyone but myself. So from here on out I will not be sugar coating anything for anyone. I will speak my mind. I will say what I think, think what I say, and stand up for my beliefs. I have had several people tell me straight out and some in a round about way that I should not talk about my financial troubles, about being depressed or about anything less than sunshine, flowers, unicorns and fairytale bliss. Well, maybe I am a negative person, but my experiences in life have made me that way. Maybe I cannot see through rose colored glasses, because those glasses were ripped off of my face years ago, exposing me to everything I had been oblivious of up until that point. This is my blog, I am going to write about whatever crosses my mind. If my language or attitude offends anyone, then please feel free not to read. I wont apologize for my thoughts, I would not expect you to apologize for yours either. I have noticed more traffic on my blog recently, and I would love to receive feedback from all of you that are reading. I also would like to thank my new follower for her words of encouragement.

Today.

I am just so depressed. I don't want go on. I am so tired and confused...and fucking tired of being tired and confused. FUCK IT ALL.

Tickers

What does it take?

What does it take to obtain comments these days? What should I be writing about? If there is something specific you would like to hear me address please let me know. I would really like to connect with the readers of my blog, as I feel I must be totally missing the mark. So many entries with very few or no comments. I find it rather discouraging.

Twenty Six is the number of....

I cannot believe I turned twenty six yesterday. I had so many plans, so many things to do before I turned twenty five and now that I am another year older I have realized none of those things were accomplished. I am thankful for every year I have on this Earth, but I am growing more depressed at the things I haven't achieved. I wish I could freeze frame at this age and not have another birthday until I had my life straightened out. I feel like so much time has gone by, so many opportunities have been missed. I can feel the dust settling around me, and I want so badly to break away...to shake it off. So the years have gone by..and so many things still haven't changed.

Just some tickers to help me get through

Shit Storm

So it has been over a month now since the shit storm of drama that caused me to turn my blog private. A few days ago I decided to make it invite only...but seriously this fucking sucks. Even those that have accepted my invite aren't reading..which means I am literally sitting here writing for my own fucking amusement. I do not need to write my thoughts out...I hear them all day long inside my head. I really want to make my blog public again.  I want to go back to certain websites. I am tired of keeping everything private and feeling like I have to hide...to keep myself locked up in certain parts of the interweb..just because a future shit storm might erupt. So..what do I do...? Do I make my blog public again and run the risk of being accused of giving people info? Should I just leave it invite only? Do I just delete my blog all together and say fuck it? Since no one reads it anymore..should I even give two fucks?

Help me out here

I am needing money as always...I am behind on my electric bill and now I have a leak at my bathtub that needs to be addressed ASAP. So I am selling my Wii to get the cash I need. Even if you do not need or want a Wii..maybe you know someone who would be interested. So please pass the word along. Here are the details. Please get a hold of me if you or anyone you know is interested. Don't hesitate to get in touch with me day or night. Here is the info. We are asking $400 but definitely willing to take offers.

Black Nintendo Wii
2 Black Wii Motion Plus Controllers with nunchucks
1 Wii Classic Controller
The Legend of Zelda-Twilight Princess
New Super Mario Bros
Wii Sports & Wii Sports Resort

Games downloaded from the Wii Store are as follows-
The Legend of Zelda (Nes)
Zelda II- The Adventures of Link (Nes)
The Legend of Zelda- A Link to the Past (Snes)
The Legend of Zelda-Ocarina of Time (N64)
The Legend of Zelda- Majora's Mask (N64)

Comes with original box and motion bar
480p video cables and original cables

How long am I....

supposed to hang on? How long am I supposed to wait? How do I keep hanging on? Everyone keeps telling me that things will get better, that something great will come along. I am starting to lose hope, things have been so rough for so long. I don't know how I've held on this long & I don't know how much longer I can hold on. The lack of income is the biggest issue. We have been without income for so long that we are in debt with so many creditors & we have been through a failed bankruptcy because obviously without income we weren't able to pay the monthly bankruptcy payments. We have had two foreclosures on the house and some how we are still here. We live in fear every day that we could get word that they are taking the house because we haven't been able to make a payment in ages. We never know where our next dollar is coming from. I have bills due next week that I cannot pay, and soon they will shut off all services. I am so tired of my life being like this, so tired of everything being up in the air. I do not know what it's like to be truly happy or carefree anymore. Anytime something good happens I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don't want to die, but honestly I am  tired of simply existing. I want to live. I want to be able to pay my bills, and know that I will have food, I want to know that I am not running the risk of being homeless any day. I just do not know what to do anymore, I don't know how to handle it all. I don't know why I am writing this. No one leaves comments, so I doubt anyone even reads my blog. I guess I just want to get these feelings out, maybe putting them here will help take some of the weight off.

I am......

Lately I have been feeling such a mix of emotions that I cannot even begin to describe it. To say I am simply confused does not convey the turmoil I feel inside. I want so many things out of life, and I want to do so many things with my life for others. My problem lies with the fact of not knowing how to go about achieving any of the things I want. I find myself with so many dreams, and I am frustrated because I have no idea what steps to take to reach those dreams. I am so tired of being poor and feeling like a failure that every day I find myself so depressed that I cannot motivate myself to do much more that the usual chores and classwork that is due that day. How do you all figure out what to do in order to achieve your goals? I need advice. I feel like the walls that have closed in are crumbling and the weight of the debris is simply burying me.

New Ticker

Just wanted to place this ticker here so that I can try to remember it's really not such a long ways off.