Celebrating Life & Death

So today is Matt's birthday although the day is almost over. He turned 25 . We had some yummy birthday cake and enjoyed being together. It was a bitter sweet day. This morning at 7:05 am I got a call that a great aunt passed away. She's been failing in health for as long as I can remember. She has been having trouble with her memory for many years now. She confuses people, with others or just flat out doesn't remember a thing. A few weeks back she fell and broke her hip, and was having internal bleeding. Then recently she decided she didn't want to be in the hospital anymore and yanked the tubes out of her, and got out of the bed. She fell and broke her other hip, and was having more internal bleeding. I am just glad she isn't in pain anymore. I feel selfish for wishing she was still her, she was such a spunky lady. She would have moments of clarity and it was wonderful to see her like that. But..as I have told family members today..the people she knew and remember 20 years ago before her memory failed have been dead for many years now. She has went to join them, she is with the ones she loves, the ones she knows and she is happy. I am sure of it.

I guess we have to celebrate death, along with life. Several times today I have felt guilty about celebrating Matt's birthday....while mourning for the loss of Auntie. I cried this morning and told Matt I felt guilty for living, for being able to see the sunshine today, and to enjoy my family and to be doing something as simple as eating birthday cake. He reminded me that we all have a time, and when it's time we have to go. I guess the ones of us left here on Earth, have to live for ourselves, and for the ones who have gone on before us.

I hope I am making some sense. The visitation will be Monday night, and the funeral Tuesday. If I am scarce the next few days you'll know why. On top of this I have a HUGE paper due, it's my final for this class and I can't afford to fail it. I was trying to work on it earlier..but nothing would come out when I sat down to type.

I keep having a dream that I am pregnant with a little boy, how wonderful would that be? I have always felt like my first child would be a son. Although Matt and I would be happy with either sex. We used to be so sure that we'd name our first son Zen/Xen, but now....it looks like he'd totally be Walker. I guess it's just a beautiful dream, but I hope that one day it'll became a reality.