wandering and I just can't focus. I'm getting really frustrated with myself, and I just want to scream. I have to get this paper done, but at this rate...I never will.Well I wrote the above this afternoon and its 2:51 am now..and I am so blank. This paper is so not going to get done on time. I really wanted to do so well on it that I am so stuck. I am terrified of messing it up because I've never done a paper like this. I guess my fear of messing up is totally blocking me from getting anything done. I'm so damn frustrated with myself. I have been trying to research this all day, and I'm like so fucking screwed.
Also I had some family say some really nasty junk to me today. I am so damn tired of being the low life, failure. I am so tired of people thinking that I am not trying hard enough. I feel like there's so much weight on my shoulders that I'm going to buckle and break at anytime. It hurts so badly. Sometimes I think people just get a kick out of watching me struggle. They like to laugh at my pain.
Reminds me of the boyfriend I used to have..that said things like, "It's funny to watch you cry." or..."I love to watch you cry." or..sweet words like.."you know I only make you cry because I love you."
Fucking hell, why do people get their pleasure from my pain? Is it really so much fun?
I hope I'm a nice person who doesn't want to any creature harm but I could strange your ex boyfriend right now!!! How dared he treat you like that!! There some strong words coming up in my head and I'm usually not a person who curses!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds harsh but you should cut out the people in your life that are making you feel like trash because you are not trash! You are honest, hardworking, loving person and let no one -and I mean no one- tell you differently!
About the paper perhaps it best to have a small break. A walk on the beach does wonders for me and gets the creative spirit moving. I know you're not near the beach but you could take a walk on the hills anywhere where the wind blows to make you clear your head and it will make a world of difference.
Manda you are a wonderful person, don't let anyone else tell you differently. Moday I'll send you that something and hopefully it will arrive before next week :o)
Thanks so much Isa. You've been such an amazing friend to me. You can always make me smile. It's hard to cut the people out that hurt me the most, because they are also the people closest to me. I'm doing my best to try to keep my head up.
ReplyDeleteThat ex I wrote about was really sweet at times, it was so odd how quickly he could change moods.
I agree with Isa!! She said it so perfectly.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lacey *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIsa did say it perfectly.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should talk to your family about how they make you feel?
Thanks Lynn :)
ReplyDeleteI have told my family how they make me feel, but the fact that they still treat me like that speaks volumes about them huh?
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt does...I'm so sorry it's like that.
I agree with Isa. You can't let people treat you this way whether they are family or not! You're an amazing person and deserve so much better! Lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks girls. I love ya'll so much. You all are my family. You're the ones that really care.
ReplyDelete