A Mother's Love

Yesterday (since it's now 7:00am) my mom came up for a visit. It was nice to see her and Cosmo loved having his grandma visit. He was really enjoying showing off for her, it was really cracking us up. My mom can drive me nuts at times, but I guess that is the case with any parent, but yesterday she was awesome. I thought it was really sweet of her to drive almost an hour up here to visit and to bring us some stuff we desperately needed. She brought us some food and other things we were out of which I thought was really cool. We definitely needed the things she brought and she will probably never know just how much I truly appreciate them. She is always doing things to help people out, and sometimes I worry that she gets taken advantage of because she is too eager to give a helping hand. I really want to do something nice for her to show her how much I appreciate her and all of the things she does for everyone. So could you all help me with some ideas? This might sound sappy but I realized yesterday that while I acknowledge to myself all of the wonderful things my mom does, I really need to tell her more often what she means to me. My family has never been much for saying "I love you", but I really feel like I should start telling my parents and siblings how much I love them. I guess I have been thinking a lot about the fact that life is short and you never know what's going to happen. I know this sounds like I am rambling, but maybe I am lol. I think I better try to sleep now and write a more coherent blog later. I hope you all realize how important your moms and all of the loved ones in your lives really are.

Drama Free

Hey all,

I know it's been months since I last posted on here. Honestly, I felt as though my posts were the same old thing all of the time and were probably as boring for you all to read as they were for me to write. Things lately have been full of drama and I am hoping that has all been left behind me. I used to love the fact that my blog was open to the public, but for a little while it is going to be private, so I will have to add your email addy so that you can be listed as an approved reader. I am hoping that with time the drama will fade and I can open it back up to all that might want to read it. So, just to get all of my emotions out about the drama that has happened lately in my life with real life and computer life...here are some graphics that explain my feelings towards it all.....

This graphic sums up how I feel about a few people, they really are simply cunts. I apologize if anyone is offended, but seriously don't tell me you have never felt this way about a cunt that has been in your life lol.

This nice little icon here just makes me laugh out loud. There are so many people out there that crave attention, that thrive on drama...these people will solely be referred to by me as Drama Whores. This is to all of the attention seeking, smoke blowing, lying, two-faced bitches out there.

Okay, now that all of that is out of my system I feel much better. Since my blog is only able to be read by people that I trust I feel like I can speak more freely and get some of my emotions out and damn it feels good. Our court date is coming up on Wednesday (27th) and as far as everything looks now our case will most likely be dismissed which sucks, but we will just deal with it as it comes. I spoke to our mortgage lender tonight and that actually went pretty well. It seems like we might have some hope after all. So please keep your fingers crossed and send some good thoughts or prayers my way over this matter.

School is going well, it's kind of blah but graduation is set for October 2010, so I am trying to hang in there. The new Dean's List came out today, and guess what? I'm on it! I have successfully made the Dean's List each time it has been issued since I have been attending. I am thrilled. Here is the link if you want to look me up. Just look for Amanda Stafford in Buffalo, Mo :) http://www.ashford.edu/deanslist/

I am going to go ahead and wrap this up, but I hope to be posting around here more often. I hope that you all leave me some comments.

Strumming my nerves

I am so damn nervous about court tomorrow. I know that I can not change what will happen, it's just hard to realize that I have no control over the situation. I am just praying that things go well and we can move on, and not have to deal with all of this uncertain legal junk. I wish I could write a longer blog, but I don't know what'd I would say.

Sooooo June 18th.....

was our 4 year wedding anniversary! We didn't do anything too exciting. We just ran errands that day and picked up Subway, watched a movie at home and made root beer floats and just chilled out. It seems like we have went through so many things in the last four years, but it's still so hard to believe four years has passed. We've been together 8.5 years and I can not imagine how things would be without Matt and Cosmo. We are poor, we are always struggling and it sucks, but we are together and we are healthy and that's what matters. It's nice to know that no matter how scary things get, or how terrible things might seem I have Matt and Cosmo to stick with me and comfort me. They're both pretty good at that.

I don't really know what else to say. I have a lot of things on my mind right now. Things seem to be going well with school. I have one more week in my World Civilizations 2 class. I made the Dean's List the other day, but I already posted about that. I am still looking for anybody that is interested in getting an insurance quote, and I am still looking for another job, if anyone knows of anything please let me know about any jobs that Matt or I could do. We really could use the money. On our anniversary Thursday we mailed off our first bankruptcy payment. Sucks turning lose of $619 for one bill, but it's definitely worth it to have all of our creditors off of our tails. Now, just 54 more payments of $619 and we'll be done. We have to take another financial class before our July 22nd court date, and I pray that the court date goes well. All of the creditors will have a chance to be there, and the trustee can either approve our case or deny it. If they deny it I have no idea what in the world will happen, but I hope that everything gets approved through the trustee and the judge. It's important that the trustee recommends us to the judge, so I really hope we have some more income before then, so that they can be certain that we can keep up to date with the payments.

I haven't been doing too much reading and writing for pleasure since this class had kept me busy doing both. I am hoping to finish the book I am reading, and to work more on one of my stories. It definitely deserves to be told.

June is a hard month for me, but I have been trying not to think about that. It's just I have lost so many people over the years in the month. my grandma Opal, my grandpa Herston, my Uncle Jimmy, my grandpa Arthur, my great aunt Maud, my dear friend S and several others. My Uncle Jimmy and my friend S passed within hours of each other. My Uncle was sick and we knew that he most likely would never get better, but S's death was a total shock. My dad, Matt and I had planned a fishing trip June 2007, and my dad called early that morning. I assumed to make sure we were awake and getting ready to meet him. His tone was very odd and he said, "hun you know S?" and I said, "yeah of course I know him, you know that." then he fumbled for words and said, "something has happened to him." I said, "oh, what happened? Is he okay?" and my dad kinda choked up and said, "He's dead." I know that I couldn't talk for several minutes. I was so shocked. I started to tear up and I could hear my dad choking up on his words and I said, "oh my God, how did it happen?" He was telling me that S had taken his own life. I was so shocked. I asked about S's family and was just struggling to register in my mind that he was gone. Then I heard my parents house phone ring, as my dad was talking to me from his cell. He told me to hang on and answered the phone. He said it was my moms sister, My Aunt Nancy. So I heard him give the phone to my mom. He came back to the phone to talk to me, and after a few mintues he said, "hunny, I have more bad news." I said, "oh dad, don't tell me it's Uncle Jimmy." He said, "hunny, he's passed away." I felt that I had been shot in the gut by a cannon. I had just lost my Uncle Jimmy as I was finding out the news about my friend S. It turns out that their funerals were at the same funeral home, in the same room just hours apart on June 13, 2007. That was how we spent the day..at the funeral home for Uncle Jimmy's funeral and visitation the evening before, then again that evening for S's services. That was my dads birthday, and I think he's had a hard time being happy on his birthday's since. My dad had such a hard time watching S's dad deal with the mourning process, because they had been long time friends and still are. My dad felt guilty and did not know how to help his friend, he didn't know how to ease the pain, watching his friend mourn over the loss of his child, his only son. My dad has three boys, and me and his friend had just lost his child. It just didn't seem fair.

Ugh, I can't talk about that anymore, but it has been on my mind, so maybe it was best to type it out. June 13th was my dad's 63rd birthday. He had a good day, he and my mom spent the day with my brother Brad's family, and then my dad got to go to a car show and ran into old friends, he just loves that type of stuff. He is coming to my house this weekend to have a BBQ for father's day. He's been in really good spirits lately and that makes me so happy. I remember each time the doctor said my dad had bladder cancer. I remember the fear in my dads eyes, as he tried to be brave and joke his way out of being scared. I was the one who convinced him to go to the doctor each time he noticed a problem. I was there with him each time the doctor said it was cancer. I was with him at the hospital before each operation and there waiting during, and with him in his room right after. I was also the one that helped him dump his catheter bag and showed him how it actually had a plug at the bottom lol that we discovered right before it was to be removed. I am just so thankful that my dad is here, and healthy and was able to celebrate another birthday. He means a lot to me, he's always in my corner and always there to help me out however he can. We always have so much fun together and we have the same weird humor and get each others weird jokes. We also have a coded way of talking, that makes people wonder if we aren't just a bit odd. I can always talk to my dad about anything, and I think we've talked about every subject under the sun. He loves all of us kids and would do anything for us, no matter how much we screw up or make him angry lol. He's more than just a dad. He is one of my best friends. I am just so damn glad he is my dad, I can't imagine life without him. I pray that he lives for a very long time and stays healthy.

June 14th was my oldest niece Rachel's 21st birthday. I can not believe she is 21, is a mommy and is married. It just seems like yesterday I was three years old and holding her on my lap feeding her a bottle and my mom was taking pictures. It seems like so recently we were having slumber parties, playing barbies, watching Disney movies and telling each other scary stories and talking on the phone for hours until we'd get in trouble lol. I can still remember going to the fair together and checking out boys lol, and giggling about crushes.

Life is just so full of twists and turns. I hope that whatever lies ahead is good and that the sun will be shining brightly for all of those I love. Wow, this has completely turned into a full blown ramble. I am going to go. Thanks for reading if anyone got this far.

I made.......

the Dean's List at school today! I don't have many accomplishments, so this is a nice change. I don't have much to talk about, but I wanted to stop it and give a quick update. So June 13th was my dad's 63rd birthday, he had a fun day so that's great. On June 14th my niece Rachel turned 21, she had an awesome time with her best friend so I am glad. This is a really hard month for me, as it's the celebration of many birthdays in the family, but also the anniversaries of the passing of many loved ones and friends. I have been rather emotional about it, but I am just trying to remember they are in a better place now. I guess I'm going to go.

I think I might be seeing light....at the end of the tunnel

So it's been a while since I have updated my blog properly. Things have been pretty stressful, and hectic the last few weeks. I thought I would drop in and give an update. I am not sure that I have even mentioned on here that I got hired by an insurance company on May 12th. I am still working for them, but since they would not give me a base pay or any type of fuel expense help we came to the agreement that I can just phone and email them with information instead of driving so far and spending money without the certainty of making money. Although this hasn't really worked out as I just haven't found anyone interested in getting an insurance quote. Matt is working some at his mom's laundromat and it looks like that might become permanent. We are both still looking for other jobs, and I am praying that something opens up soon. So if any of you know of anything in the near by area, please let me know.

I know I came on here a lot talking about our financial situation and the fact that our house was being foreclosed on. The foreclosure sale date was May 28th and our house was supposed to be sold on the court house steps. Thankfully were were able to sign our bankruptcy papers on May 26th, and our foreclosure sale was stopped. We have to make our first payment to the bankruptcy court/trustee on June 25th. Then we will have to attend a bankruptcy hearing on July 22, 2009. I am so thankful that it seems like the creditors calling and harassing us is a thing of the past. We are working hard to get things straightened back out, and I appreciate all of the prayers and support that you have given me.

I am still going to school, and finally feel like I can give my school work a bit more of the attention it deserves. I am still holding onto my 4.0 GPA which I am very proud of. I finally feel like things are starting to turn around and maybe I will make something out of my life. I am in World Civilizations 2 now, and I am liking the time periods we are covering now much better than I did the time periods we covered in World Civ 1. I have been thinking about going for my Bachelor's in Social and Criminal Justice, but I am not sure if financially I will be able to do it.

I am not really sure what else to update ya'll on. If there is anything anyone is wanting to know please ask.

So..the date is set.

So we found out yesterday (Monday) just by chance that they mortgage company has set a sale date on our house. They have yet to notify us of this. I am interested to see when they'll bother to send me a letter letting me know they are selling my house out from under me. Their lawyer is getting me some figures since the last set of figures was wrong. I just want to get this all worked out, and I am $300 short of doing so. The sale date is set for May 28th, which is so soon. I have to get a ton of paper work done, and get the $300 I need to go with the money we have so that we can take care of this. I have so many emotions running through me right now. I'm scared, mad, sad, confused, angry, just so many things. Honestly I want to talk about it, but I don't even know what to say. I do know that if I have to leave here, I might as well be dead. I already feel like I'm dying inside. My nightmares went away for a while, but have been starting up again. I guess they could sense that this was coming. So now it's at the stage where I wait until I'm dead tired to get in bed, and I'll sleep but..it'll be a sleep full of nightmares and I'll wake up feeling worse than when I went to bed. When I wake up, I'm glad the nightmares are gone, but then again I dread it..because every morning I wake up is one more morning closer to being homeless.

This all wouldn't be so bad if we knew we had somewhere to go if we don't get the money to save the house. But, sadly we don't have anywhere. I talked to my mom again Monday night, and she isn't much help. I have come to the conclusion that I was a horrible person in my past life and that it's catching up with me now. All of the times I told people karma was a bitch, how little did did I know..that karma would come around and bite me in the ass.

I guess I deserve this.

I hope and pray that we can get the $300 we need and that we can get the paper work filed in time, and that we can find work, and that it all goes smoothly. But I know better. Nothing, NOTHING ever goes smoothly for us.

Our wedding for example, the pastor backs out two weeks before the wedding. The invites were already sent, everything was set to take place, we had to find a pastor, it was crazy.

When we bought this house, Matt lost his job, had to prove employment again to the mortgage company. Had to find a job fast, luckily my dads business was doing good then and he could hire Matt. Also we closed on this house on a Friday, the Monday of that week a tornado came through and destroyed several buildings in town and destroyed roofs on over half of the houses in town. We were a wreck thinking this house probably got it too. After many times of the closing date being pushed back, we were certain that the tornado got it, and that we wouldn't end up owning the house. After the sirens stopped, and the danger had passed we rushed from Matt's moms where we were staying to check on the house and to call our realtor and loan agent who were also worried about the house. On the drive, we were so nervous I almost threw up. I told Matt, that if we got the house and it was safe it was our Omen that it was meant to be our house.

We pulled up, and there were limbs scattered everywhere, the neighbors metal shed was in shards in our backyard. But the house was untouched. All around was debris, shingles, toys, anything you could imagine from other houses, but ours was perfect. I knew in that moment we were meant to be here. I don't want to leave. Just the thought of it puts me to tears. This is our little house, we are proud of it. We take pride in keeping it clean, and taking care of our yard. We even transplanted baby trees from my parents yard into ours, and they're finally budding out.

I have to go whatever I can to keep this place. It's our home. It's our safe haven. If anyone knows of any ideas that might help me out please suggest them.

I'm scared. If I have to leave here. I am sure that I will wilt and die.