~Our Precious Cosmo Passed Away~

 

I am sorry that I haven't been on recently to update. There have been times when I have wanted to, but I knew I would need to make this announcement when I did update, and honestly I just couldn't face it. I don't really feel like I am ready yet, but I know that I cannot put it off any longer. On June 21, 2010 our fur baby/cat son Cosmo passed away at the age of 14. We knew that the day would come when he would have to leave us, but we never wanted to admit it, or accept it, much less think about it. On Sunday June 20, 2010 my parents came for a visit. It was Father's Day and Cosmo was happy to see his grandparents, he loved them to bits and they adored him. We all noticed he did not seem his normal self but it was very hot and we just assumed that's why he seemed a bit more sluggish than normal. He perked up after a bit and our worries began to ease. He did use the bathroom and also threw up, but after that he was eating and drinking normally, just just wanted to be left alone to rest. We checked on him gave him fresh cool water and petted and talked to him, but tried to let him rest. We planned to call the vet as soon as they opened the next morning. It look hours for Matt and I to fall asleep that night, we were up and down checking on Cosmo. He was just laying down and looked very comfortable like he was sleeping off a stomache which he had done in the past. We prayed that everything would be okay and by the next morning he would be more perky. Finally we fell asleep. I woke first and it was still early in the morning. I had this odd feeling, I cannot even describe it...but it was just like something felt empty inside me. As I went to go check on Cosmo...I just felt like his presence was missing in the house..and I knew right in that moment, but I didn't want to believe it...I knew he was gone.

I saw him laying in the floor and he appeared the be sleeping, I stood for a few moments not wanting to disturb him. I could have sworn that I saw his chest rise and fall, but I realized that was not the case. As I got to him, I could tell he had passed. I tried to stay calm, and I got down and started talking to him, but I saw his body was limp and his eyes were empty. I petted him and talked to him and tried to take in what was happening, it was my worst fear. I told him I loved him, then I washed my hands and face and took a few moments trying to collect myself, because I knew I would have to go wake Matt and tell him. Matt got Cosmo as a kitten so he had been his daddy for 14 years, I had known Cosmo for almost 10 years. Matt seriously loved Cosmo more than anything in the world, and would have died for him. Matt isn't a person that opens up easily to anyone or shows much emotion or affection towards anyone or anything, but he and Cosmo were best buds. I knew telling him was going to be hard. I went quietly into our bedroom and Matt sat up in bed and saw me in the doorway..he immediately knew something was wrong and said, "What? What is it?" I can remember squeaking out..."He's passed away.."

We called my dad to come get Cosmo and we arranged a burial for him. We buried him with his favorite blanket, pillow, stuffed cat animal and his toy mice. We have a stone picked out for his grave and hope to purchase it in the next few months. The days that followed were full of crying, aching, emptiness and this numbness....we could hardly eat or sleep. Things are a bit better now, but we still miss him like crazy. We can talk about him and look at pictures and videos and I am happy for that. That little guy brought so much joy to us. I am not sure if there is an afterlife, but if there is I cannot wait to see him there. We both feeling guilty and wonder if we missed something, if we could have done more, we are still coping with the fact that he was 14 years old and sometimes that's just too old for a cats tiny body. I haven't really said this to anyone, but I feel so guilty. The reason I am holding this guilt is because the night before he passed, he just seemed like he was trying to hold on.. I am not sure if that makes sense. I checked on him before I got into bed and told him that if he was just hanging on for us and if he felt he needed to go..that it was okay to go..that we wanted him to be happy and at peace...and that me and daddy (we refer to ourselves as his mom and dad) would help each other to be okay and that we loved him. We always told him good night before going to bed and that we loved him. I always blew him kisses..I find myself still talking to him as if he is still here lol. I also told God when I prayed that night..that if it was Cosmo's time to comfort him and take him quickly so that he wouldn't suffer. So now I feel like...by me telling Cosmo and God that it was okay if he needed to go..well I feel like I brought it on. I remember bawling like a baby when Matt said to me, "I'm not a dad anymore". Watching how it affected him broke my heart, it still does. I am so glad that we have each other though, we need each other.

Cosmo loved laying under the Christmas tree.especially with presents stacked around lol...it was like having a fort. He was full of so much personality..and we will miss him everyday until we meet again, but we thank God for the years we were able to have with him.

An update from me!

So yesterday I finished my final paper which completed the course POL 303-The American Constitution. I was really nervous when the class started, I knew very little about the American Constitution which is really sad since I am an American. I realized there is a lot about my own country I do not know. I really learned a lot and really enjoyed it. I have always been interested in criminal cases and have always loved reading books about the subject, and honestly I felt like I was in heaven reading my textbook, because it had real life cases in it. I thought this class was going to be unbelievably difficult, but my teacher gave me amazing feedback about every assignment. I am also thrilled to say my classmates gave me excellent encouragement when they responded to my discussion board posts. I have earned every point in the course that has been possible so far. I have three more grades I am waiting to hear back on, the big one is on my final paper which counts as 25 out of the possible 100 points. So I am really hoping I did well on the final paper.

I have been trying to learn to deal with the fact that eventually I am going to get a grade lower than an A and that those grades are still good, but for some reason I feel like I have to get an A to prove something about myself. I guess it stems from constantly feeling like a failure, and apparently book work is one thing in this world that I am good at. I have been toying with the idea of checking into a leave of absence from school for a short bit. I have been attending since October 2008 and during that time I have only had about a 2 week break. I have started feeling kind of burnt out as when one course ends a new one starts the next day. Like my POL 303 course ended yesterday (Monday) and my new course SOC 101-Intro to Sociology begins today. So there is just no breathing room. Therefore I feel like a small break might be good, before I start doing my work halfheartedly and earning grades that I will not be pleased with. What do you all think? Do you think taking a break is a good idea or should I just keep pushing on. When I say a small break I mean a month or a few weeks, nothing too extensive. I have until October 2012 before I graduate and there are only 1 week breaks scheduled at Christmas time. I really would love some opinions and advice about this.

If I do decide to take my break I am going to throw myself into my writing. I have been missing it terribly recently. I find myself thinking about it when I am doing school work, and feeling guilty that my characters are literally stuck in my mind, not able to be free. One of my goals in life is to have at least one book published, and I need to give this a really good shot, because I will always regret it if I don't. I also want to start reading more often. I have been so busy with school work and daily life lately that I haven't gotten the chance to pleasure read in weeks and it's been that long since I have gotten to write for pleasure. Once I finish school work my body is tired of reading and typing and I just like to sit and veg out. So I am thinking a small break from school might be good all around. Then I can go back at it with a vengeance. I have also been toying with the idea of doubling up on a few courses to see how that goes, and maybe only do it the one time, but it would allow me to graduate that much sooner.

I am sorry for those that actually read my blog that I haven't updated lately, but I honestly feel like I talk about the exact same things each time so I feel like there is not much point in blogging. if those are you are actually reading this, please reply so that I know someone out there actually wants me to continue updating. Thanks so much everyone!

Happy 6th Birthday Tatem Dawn Joelle J.!

Today I am wishing my niece Tatem a very happy 6th birthday! April 21, 2004 I had my heart stolen by that chubby, beautiful baby girl. I cannot believe how quickly she has grown into such a pretty, smart, amazingly funny little person. I remember standing outside the hospital room door when she was born, hearing her first cries as she entered the world, then waiting anxiously to go into the room to see her. Everyone was crying tears of joy, and it was an amazingly beautiful moment. When I held her I felt an instant connection to her and couldn't wait to hold her again when I handed her off to the next family member. That evening when I seen her again my dad was holding her and I was standing by him..and Tatem reached out and wrapped her hand around my finger and we just looked at each other. I swear to God that in that moment I felt like the bond was created and I couldn't imagine life without her. I cannot believe she is 6 years old today, seems like only yesterday when she was born, when she learned to talk and walk...I remember when she learned to say my name and would squeal in delight when I'd walk into the room. I pray when I have children they are half as amazing as she is. Love you Taterbug! ♥

Final Math 126 test taken and graded!

Hi again,

I said earlier if I got the courage up to take my final test in my Math 126 course that I would come back and post the grade. I got up the guts to take the test and boy was I nervous. I noticed a few of the questions were playing games with the way they were worded. I am so glad that I read them again. I got my grade back and guess what, I scored 100%. I am beyond thrilled. Now there are only two more grades that I need back before I know my final score in the class. I think I have earned some reading time, so I am off to grab my E-reader and start reading Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer.

I'm not totally useless!

I often feel like I am worthless, useless, basically just an utter failure. I recently came upon this quote "Nobody is totally worthless, at the very best they can be used as a bad example". So the quote to the left is very similar and sums up pretty well how I feel. While I feel useless and worthless I at least can be used to show people what not to do in life. I guess I can take some comfort in that. I am seriously tired of being the example of how bad things can go, or what not to do. I admit it I have made a big large mess out of my life, but I am trying to fix it. It seems like for every step I take toward making it better I am shoved 10 steps back. I don't really know what I can do to make it better. I am so tired of just existing honestly. I want to feel safe, comfortable, relaxed and most of all happy. I have forgotten what all of that really was like. Going to school was my first step in trying to make a better future for myself. Sometimes I feel like that step is not even going to be completed. There has been some issues about my student loans and unless it can be worked out I will not have the money to finish my degree that I am supposed to obtain in October of this year. I just take things one day at a time and try to smile even if I am broken on the inside.

Moving on from all the darkness in the words I wrote above, I will tell about one thing I am really very proud of. I hope this does not sound like I am being conceited because I am not meaning for it to come off that way. I have very little that I am ever proud of, so I thought I would share it with you all. As many of you know math is my worst subject, it has always been difficult for me. I honestly have a hard time grasping the subject because I find it so daunting, so boring. I usually just shut down and some how manage to get through the course without every really retaining anything. I am in a math course now at my University that covers things like algebra and geometry in one course. I was pretty intimidated at first. I am proud to say this is my last week in the course. I turned in one assignment last night that still needs to be graded and I have a test to take by Sunday (if I can get the guts up I will be taking it today), and one assignment due Monday, then class is over! I am beyond thrilled to tell you wonderful readers of this blog that as it stands right now I have 81% out of 83% possible. That means I have only missed 2 points throughout the entire course!!!! Right now my grade is an A with a 97.59%! I am sorry it it sounds like a brag, but I am just so damn excited and rather proud. I have actually retained things from the course, and figured things out that I thought I would never even begin to grasp. Well, enough of a ramble for today. I might come back and update with my test score if I get the guts up to take it lol. I am realizing that I cannot change everything in one day, so I am learning to take it one day at a time, and shine through the darkness.

Happy 26th Birthday!!!

Well,

Today is my husband Matt's 26th birthday. We really didn't do much today. We slept in late, watched a movie and just ate dinner here at home. We have some plans tomorrow if all goes according to schedule. I hope he enjoyed his day even though it wasn't very exciting. I hope tomorrow is a nice celebration though. I want to thank all of you that left birthday wishes for Matt on his facebook and mine. You are all an awesome bunch :) Today is also the 9 year anniversary of our first date, I cannot believe it has been that long since asked me to be his girlfriend. I think I will blog about that night tomorrow.

I'm so nervous

Tomorrow is the court date for our bankruptcy dismissal case. Our lawyer is asking for an extension of time, but she doesn't seem hopeful that it will be granted, and honestly I don't believe that it will be. The lawyer said there is no way to tell if the judge will grant it, we will just have to wait and see. We don't get to appear at the court hearing so we can't even speak on our behalf. I really hate that we are at the mercy of the lawyer to call and let us know what happens at the court. I sooooo hate waiting to hear about these types of things. I just wish this wasn't happening. I am beyond terrified at the idea of losing the house, but if the case is dismissed our mortgage company has all rights to foreclose. There is no way we can pay the amount that it would take to cancel the foreclosure. It is starting to become too real that we will be homeless if they take the house. I am just trying to stay up beat, but honestly I cannot do it anymore. This is just my place to vent, so don't feel obligated to reply to this because honestly what can anyone say. I haven't slept since Sunday so if this doesn't make sense that's why. My nerves are so on edge right now. Matt's already in bed, he couldn't keep his eyes open. I will probably go to bed soon, although I know I shouldn't bother. What sucks major ass is that I will have a check here before the 10th that will more than cover the fee that is due tomorrow to stop the bankruptcy dismissal. I just don't have anyone that has it to loan until my check arrives. Maybe if we get the extension it will work out. If anyone has read this far Bless You.